Showbiz

7 collaborations inspired by Rachel Allen’s collecsh for Right Price Tiles

tiles

Okay, so Holly and I are obsessed with the TOTALLY RANDOM news that TV chef Rachel Allen will be releasing her own range of “signature tiles” for Right Price Tiles, so much so that we’ve imagined just what it would be like if some of our other favourite Irish celebs had their very own household collaboraysh:

Shane Filan’s kitchen stools exclusive to Littlewoods

SHANE FILAN

Former Westlife star Shane Filan spent a large amount of his boyband days sitting on and getting up off stools on stage, so it seems fitting that he would join forces with catalogue giant Littlewoods to release his very own range. The range will be extortionately priced, but value for money is guaranteed as these stools are multi-functional, doubling up as the perfect prop for that classic key change *stand up out of stool* moment. Shane has said that each stool is made from 109% Sligo bog peat and is the ideal gift for session moths who like to take a seat when they have a go on the karaoke machine at 6 a.m.

The Celia Collezioni at Shannonside Building Suppliers Ltd.

holman

Fresh from her Ice Bucket Challenge, which took the internet by storm, top model agent Celia Holman Lee will be releasing her own range of limited edition bespoke buckets available exclusively at Shannonside Building Suppliers. After having to “just use a regular ‘aul bucket from the back shed” for her challenge, Celia felt that there was a niche in the market for a range of chic and sophisticated buckets and thus the Celia Collezioni was born. The collaboration will be launched in stores this summer and customers will be able to buy customised buckets to match any outfit with a further line of First Holy Communion buckets being released in the Fall.

Kathryn Thomas’ range of gas bitch fires in associaysh with Bord Gáis

KATHRYN THOMAS

She lights up your home every Sunday night as the hostess with the mostest on The Voice of Ireland, but now Kathryn Thomas wants to go one step further by literally lighting up every home around Ireland. Commenting on her new range of gas fires in associaysh with Bord Gáis, the TV presenter said with a knowing wink that “No frontier has been left unturned and I’ve been involved in the entire process from the initial design concept right through to the mechanical logistics of the 10-fire range.”

Twink and Linda X Guineys

LINDA MARTIN

Panto dames and all-round national treasures Twink and Linda Martin have teamed up with Irish homeware giant Guineys to create a capsule collection of essential household items inspired by their legendary friendship and iconic careers. The centrepiece of the Twink and Linda X Guineys line will be a remote-controlled red curtain, ensuring that everyone can “bring the panto into their own home.”

Lisa Murphy Cement™ available at Woodie’s DIY

LISA MURPHY

“Oh, I loike totally swear by Lisa Murphy Cement™” replied Dublin Housewives star and owner of New Lisa Life beauty salon, Lisa Murphy when asked about her new cement range for Woodie’s, having built her salon with her own bare hands during the recesh. Proving that there are many strings to her bow, Lisa has said that she has always been interested in the construction industry and even posed for a photo-call in a builder’s hat during her modelling days.

Mary Burke’s range of extension leads in collaboraysh with Electric Ireland

MARY BURKE

Crystal Swing’s answer to Kris Jenner, Mary Burke knows the perils of a short lead all too well. As the matriarch of the all-singing, all-dancing Cork family trio, Mary has said that with the band’s extensive equipment, venues simply don’t have enough extension leads for their instruments. She remarked, “Derek has to be able to take the mic from the stage all the way down to the back of the function room without it loosening from the karaoke machine, so this collaboration seemed like a no-brainer. I’ve always got the electricity from Electric Ireland so it’s a perfect match.”

The Amanda Brunker Wine Rack @ Argos

Amanda Brunker Nadia Power shoot June 2010

Former party girl turned author Amanda Brunker is set to release a range of dazzling wine racks available exclusively at Argos. Amanda is also offering one lucky customer the chance to win a night out on the (Rachel Allen signature) tiles with her if they enter the competition at the cashdesk with Amanda arriving to your gaff by limo for prinks from the new wine rack before whisking you away for a night you’ll never forget. Both Holly and I have already pre-ordered seven racks each and will be doing our best to secure the prize, to be honest.

Pics by Holly

Words by Jamie

Concept by both of us x

Standard
Uncategorized

7 Reasons Why The Supper Club Was The Most Iconic Night Of Our Lives

jamie

Last night, Fiona from Cool Events Ireland (who we absolutely adore) invited myself and Holly to The Supper Club – a 1920s-themed event which is held once a month in the delicious surroundings of the Bourbon Bar in The Odeon. We had a gorj night for ourselves and here’s a collectch of the gas things that happened us on the night: 

1. The Uber in to the event

leop

“You two should have your own show!” says the taximan to Holly and myself. “You’re not wrong, Conor!” says us both in unison. After Holly made the taxi man wait EIGHTEEN mins outside her apartment while she clipped her hair into a Downton Abbey-style bob, complete with pearl-drop headband, we finally made our way to the event looking like we were on our way to our own funerals in 1923. “JEEEESUS, I’m delighted I wasn’t around in the 20s, THE HACK of the make-up back then”, Holly pipes as she taps Conor on the shoulder for a chewing gum. As Conor pulls up outside our destinaysh, we realise that Holly has been sweeping the roads with her dress, as half of it was caught on the door for the whole drive in. We’re both screaming as Conor gets out of the car to help Holly wring out her drenched gúna – screaming so much that Holly actually left her phone in the taxi and has to do a Sonia O’Sullivan and chase after it, getting her heels stuck in a tram track in the process. A gorj start to the night.

2. Our Outfits

outfit

As someone who wouldn’t consider themselves to be a ‘girly-girl’, or a huge fan of dressing up on nights out, I decided to abandon my usual jeans and teesh combo and go all out when our fabulous friend Fiona (@cooleventsinfo) asked us to be her guests at the monthly 1920’s themed Supper Club. I, of course, insisted Jamie wear his tux to complement my floor length black guna as I didn’t want him to feel under-dressed beside me.
I didnt want to spend a fortch on accessories and so found myself torn between a feather boa in the Hen Party section of my local Euro Land, or a beaded necklace in Enable Ireland that I could fashion into a headdress that Rose from Titanic would have been jealous of.
I chose the latter, and spent 2 hours doing my hair which I am still absolutely screaming about tbh.

Upon arrival to the Odeon, I started to have second thoughts about said headdress and removed it-which I will be eternally grateful to myself for because as we entered The Bourbon Rooms we both immediately knew something wasn’t right when the star of the show, Fiona, greeted us in a (gorj) Penneys Kimono and with sunglasses on her head.
Just picture the scene. Jamie in a full tux, and me in a floor length black dress with fur coat draped around shoulders, red lip and matching shoe, as we entered a room full of gorgeous people smart/casually dressed in LBD’s, jeans and hoodies.
There are very, very few times we have proclaimed ourselves to be screaming, roaring, or shaking and actually meant it, but as we were shown to our table by someone wearing a check shirt and ripped jeans, we did all three of those things at the same time.

3. Holly’s headband

hol

A moment for Holly’s headband, please! As Holly pointed out above, we were ferociously overdressed for the event, so after making poor Conor wait outside her apartment for an eternity while she pinned her headband into place, as we were walking into The Odeon, Holly caught sight of her reflecsh and says, “I look like Rose from Titanic after the ship sank” and reefs the headband off. Jesus, was she thankful she did as the first person we saw when we went in was clad in a hoody. Of course, Holly walks into the event and instead of being upfront and telling everyone that we COMPLETELY misinterpreted the dress code, Holly stars telling this elaborate story about how we are only dressed in black-tie because we have to go to my graduaysh afterwards. M.O.R.T.I.F.I.E.D.

4. Making friends with everyone

darina

Have we or have we not said it a million times, but we adore chatting to everyone over a few glasses of vino?! Fiona had us seated at a gorj table and we had loads of craic agus ceol with everyone – especially the lovely Darina, pictured above, who was absolutely gas and iconic. Jeeeeesus, Holl and myself were knocking back the bubbles like they were going out of fash and the two of us were spoon feeding our desserts to the other guest at the table. The youge.

5. That Balloon Trick

ball
TBH we are both still shaking after witnessing what can only be described as the most mesmerising magician’s trick that Jamie has ever had the pleasure to witness. The whole room sat in silence, jaws agape, as the truly gifted (and very cute) Brian Dal​y (@NoCrappyTricks) slipped a two foot long balloon down the back of his throat. Ending the trick with the balloon actually disappearing was a stroke of pure genius.

Having live-Snapchatted the entire event, and taken notes, Jamie was about to get on his feet and give Brian a standing ovaysh but not before I reefed him down by the back of his bow tie and reminded him that we were suppose to be channelling Titanic’s Rose and Jack, and not Kerry Katona at Katie Price’s 6th Hen Party

6. Sam Smith Gate

sam smith
OMG this is possibly one of the funniest things that I have ever witnessed. We, of course, were sitting at a seriously glam table and were blessed to be joined by the seriously talented crooner Ken Kirwan (@FranklyBuble) after his gorgeous set.
Ken, trying to be complimentary, tells Jamie that he reminds him of singer Sam Smith, after he’d lost the weight. Everyone laughed and agreed that there was a likeness.

Jamie being Jamie, takes this as an insult and shakes his head in disbelief. Me, the little devil on Jamie’s shoulder, jokingly whispers ‘you should say he looks like Sam Smith, before he lost the weight’ to try cheer Jamie up and put a little smile on his face. Despite the fact that Ken looks absolutely NOTHING like Sam, Jamie decided to SCREAM what I had just whispered across the table. To say you could’ve heard a pin drop would be an understatement as Jamie’s retort went down like a lead balloon. A red-faced Jamie roared ‘why did you make me say that you evil witch!?’ at me while I rolled around the booth cackling at the hilarity of it all. Ken appeared to forgive the viscous attack as he later allowed Jamie a shot of his vintage mic for this weird photo:

mic

7. Getting a chip and a battered sausage for the stroll home

bangers

Despite having a divine dinner (pictured above) not two hours hence, the two of us were absolutely buckled on the walk home. “Have you €3 on you?” says Holl. I give her €4 and tell her to spoil herself. With the leopard print fur coat draped around her shoulders as if she hadn’t an arm to her name, she goes into the dodgiest of chippers, slides the change across the counter and asks, “What can you do for me, hun?” It got us one battered sausage and a potion of chips, which we fed each other on the walk home. Now would we be everyone’s relaysh goals, we would?! x

Standard
Uncategorized

Holly and Jamie’s Guide to Being Gas, Glam and Iconic

cover

Holly and I decided to draft a list of our fave things to do in Dublin and the result is a self-styled guide on how to be gas and glam in the city. It’s kind of parodic, but at the same time, we are 109% (our fave percentage) serious. Enjoy x.

Holly

Complimenting Strangers

Credz to Lisa for snapping this pic of us x

Credz to Lisa for snapping this pic of us x

We both agree that everyone should absolutely adore themselves, no matter their size, age or shopping budget. Unfortunately, some people do not s’adore (self-adore) themselves and therefore need a gentle reminder that they are fab.

We would not think it out of line to stop a 90-year-old woman on the street, with the sole purpose being to ask where she got her sunglasses (it’s usually Clery’s) and to let her know she looks divine. Likewise, we would not be out of place whispering ‘you deserve…’ to random Brown Thomas shoppers who are looking undecided about a purchase.

One of the best things that ever happened to us was while we were litch roaring compliments at people passing us as we sat at the Powerscourt Steps (more of that below) and a gorge blonde walked passed in a leather trouser and a grey fur coat. ‘OMG you are FAAAB! V Kate Moss’ we roared collectively, only to have said stranger (and now friend) Lisa turn around and shout back ‘I KNOW YOUSE! You’re Jamie and Holly from Twitter!’ Did we not both die, Jamie? (We both died Jamie)

Lisa (@etchasketchgo) ended up joining us for a drink and we had a gorge laugh – which all three of us, of course, deserved.

Powerscourt Prinks

Prinkin' in Powerscourt and being fedorable x

Prinkin’ in Powerscourt and being fedorable x

We hope we don’t get in trouble for this (Stop, as if we care – Jamie) but our fave spot for Prinks (that’s Pre-Drinks for anyone not in the know – we won’t judge if you needed the explanaysh). It’s kind of comparable to being at the cinema, but you’re sitting on a cold step, and in the absence of popcorn you’re drinking warm Centra wine from a paper cup, and the movie you’re watching is 3D and called ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Naggin’.

We can be found here most Saturday nights during the warmer months of the year (March through to November) and it would not be unusual for us to go through three bottles of white and two boxes of Camel Lights before hitting our preferred dancing spot (see number 3), fully-fuelled for the night ahead. As an FYI, you can slyly use both GBK and Grogan’s bathrooms, but we didn’t tell you that!

The George

conor

With thanks to Superstar DJ Conor Behan a.ka. @platinumjones (he’s there Thursdays and Saturdays FYI – thank us later), and under the watchful guidance of Jamie, I realised at the grand old age of 25 that I can actually dance – and I am actually quite good. (Okay calm down Holly – Jamie)

Personally, I used to hate going out. Before, nights out with the girls involved arguments about where to go, me self-consciously pretending to know how to dance to ‘Maniac 2000’, us defending ourselves from having our arse’s grabbed by strange men and of course, the inevitable alcohol-fuelled fight that would ensue in McDonalds.

Now, in The G, I barely stop for a drink. Calories are burned, friendships are made, and synchronised dances skills are honed while we get down (literally) to the likes of Girls Aloud Medleys (We see you Conor! – Jamie), take Snapchat videos of ourselves screaming and generally just not having a care in the world, except for who Jamie is going to ask for a smoke off when we get outside for a breath of fresh air.

Celebrity Comparisons

zac

If you know either of us, be it online or IRL (that’s ‘In Real Life’ for anyone who arrived on Planet Earth this morning) you might have some idea of our obsesh with all things celebrity. Despite our 5-year age gap (It’s actually 5 and a half, hun Jamie) we both have the same life-long love of Victoria Beckham, and of course, we cannot when it comes to Kim Kardashian.

Jamie was the first person I called when Mrs Kardashian West shared my fashion illustration (Illustraysh, Holly – Jamie) on her Instagram – the fact I only knew him two days was completely irrelevant. He also has my Victoria Beckham style bible ‘That Extra Half and Inch’ out on loan. Am not expecting it back any time soon, tbqh.

half an inch

Something we’ve done since day one of our friensh is compare ourselves to celebrities by tagging each other in their Instagram pics and saying ‘US!’ This had iconic consequences last month when designer Zac Posen replied to us on Instagram.

Jamie

Abbreevs

I think Holly and I make such a gorj duo because there’s little we adore more than ourselves than doing a ‘lil abbreev. I don’t think we’ve ever said a full word to each other since the day we met. You would never catch us saying the full verj of any word that has more than two syllos (that’s an abbreev for syllables, in case you didn’t already cop that). It’s très addictive, so it is. Some of our miutch (mutal) faves are:

  • Delish
  • Litch
  • Gorj
  • Illo/illustraysh
  • Procrastinaysh (our forte)
  • Friensh
  • Youge (usual – we know that one may be tricky to grasp)
  • Mensh (mention)

Having wine everywhere at any time of the day

One of our very first wine dates x

One of our very first wine dates x

We roared at this pic because it looks like my scarf swallowed my neck!

We roared at this pic because it looks like my scarf swallowed my neck!

So if you follow both Holly and I on Twitter (and it would be v rude if you didn’t), you’ll see that we adore meeting each other every day for a ‘lil and much-deserved coff. Holl would text and me only in the lib for about 5 mins at this stage and I’d up and leave to meet her for said coff. Now what not a lot of people don’t know is that we’d rarely only have a coff, but more often follow it up or indeed replace altogether with a bottle of Sauvignon. (Stop, do we not be Tweeting selfies every two mins with a glass of wine in our hand? – Holly). The daily meeting would youge start with a lap of South William St – if we both think we’re looking fab that day, we will probs do a couple of laps, just to be noticed and idolized (we’re only half joking, btw) and then settle for a bottle or three in Metro Café or else Meat & Meet. Deserved and required at 1 o’clock of a Tuesday.

Charlie’s Chinese

balls

I am not joking, but I nevz had a Charlie’s before meeting Holl. A chicken ball had never passed my lips before meeting her, but now it’s a tradish for us both to end our night with a gorj 3-in-1, a large porsh of chicken balls and two cans of Coke (Diet for Holl, full-fat for me). We’d race out of the G the min the lights come on, Holl would place the order, I’d run to get cash from the ATM and by the time I’d come back, the order would be ready and we’d sit down and adore both it and ourselves. It’s at this point that we need to give a shoutout to our miutch partner-in-wine, @stphnmlny, who is youge present for the feast. We do be roaring and screaming at each other, loving our lives, up to our eyes in curry sauce.

Brown Thomas and Fallon & Byrne for selfies

bts

It doesn’t take a wild stretch of the imaginaysh to imaj that we both adore a ‘lil selfie and we think it’s v important to know your angles. But knowing your angles is futile if you don’t have a gorj backdrop. Our two fave places to selfie are Brown Thomas and Fallon & Byrne. We love roaming around BTs, trying on clothes that we’ve no intentch of buying and taking selfies of ourselves in said clothes. Likewise, we regularly stroll into Fallon & Byrne just to take pics of ourselves with a €15 bag of pasta just to create the illouge (illusion) that we can be affordin’. Although, Holly often does purch a sliver of cheese and a rasher for about a tenner so she can cook herself and the BF a gorj dinner. Is she wrong? (I’m DEAD RIGHT – Holly).

And finally – our joint fave thing to do is to fish for compliments for about 4 mins every time we meet each other

do i

Practically a day goes by where we wouldn’t see each other and the other day, we both realised the extent of our s’adoring and vanity when we met and just asked each other how fab we were looking until we starting howling at the our #notions. An examp of the type of convo we’d have on greeting each other would be:

Holly: Heyyyyyyy. Is my hair fab today? I gave it a wash.

Me: Stop, it’s gorj. Do you adore my new jumper?

Holly: Divine. Are you obsessed with my new knee-length boots? You are!

Me: Adore. Am I showing enough ank (ankle) today, or do I need to do another roll-up?

And it goes on and on until we get a big fat grip for ourselves.

If anyone would like to join us for a glass of vino, you know where to find us and we would adore. Stay tuned for our next post as we are going to make this a regular feetch (feature, obvs).

Standard
Showbiz

New Year, Same Me: My 2014 Pop Culture Highlights (and one v lowlight)

2014

The end of the year may be a time for personal reflectch and yada, yada, yada – B.O.R.I.N.G., but tbqh, I plan on changing absolutely nothing about myself in 2015. I shall trod into the New Year with a gargantuan-sized glass of Pinot, accompanied by my partner-in-wine, (according to the Irish Independent) Holly Shortall and together we’ll just keep on being glam and gas, because unlike PINK, we are here for your entertainment.

So, instead of a generic rambling list of personal achievements and future hopes, I am compiling a catalogue of something much deeper and closer to my heart – my top 5 moments in pop culture from the last year – all of which are much significant, so emotion and many personal to me. Enjoy xo.

The Story of Twink and Teddy

twink and teddy

I don’t mean to exaj, but this story gripped the nation in 2014 and it has held me in its furry paw ever since. The tale of Adele King and her briefly dognapped Teddy was one of heartache, hope, tenacity, resilience and elation. It was like an episode of Eastenders, except 2,876 times more gripping and emosh. As the country rallied around the panto queen in the aftermath of Teddy’s disappearance, a tip-off led the pooch back into the arms of its doting owner and made icons out of both Twink and Teddy. (As if they weren’t national treasures already, says you!) As the clock strikes 12 tonight, let us all raise a glass to our glitter-clad Queen, Saviour and Ireland’s answer to Joan Collins – Adele King.

My relaysh with Nigella Lawson*

nigella 1 nigella 2

Hope you don’t mind the abbreevs – they just come so natch these days. Relaysh = relationship if you’re confused. Anyway, this year actually saw my obsesh with Nigella receive some reciprocal effort (jeez, Nigella, it takes two), as the self-styled Domestic Goddess, *practically* replied to everything I Tweeted her with a ‘lil DM or public Tweet. Each time, she sent me into a frenzied trance where I’d just scream and hyperventilate until I was told to get a big fat grip. But yeah, I do be living for a bit of #JayGella these days. (*Alright, calm down, I don’t actually think we’re besties, just to be clear).

Cheryl and Nadine – The Fall-Out

fall

(Word of advice: Links are worth clicking on this one, if I do say so myself x)

2014 has not been all plain sailing. Ronan Keating may well call it a roller coaster, but let me tell you, the sea has been just as choppy as it has been smooth. Undoubtedly, the iceberg to my Titanic was the v public spat between my two fave pop princesses of the noughties – my beloved Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and Nadine Coyle. It has had and will continue to have a lasting impact on me. They were the two gals I wanted to be besties the most – y’know, Cheryl over in LA visiting baby Anaya, etc., etc. But, alas, my heart broke when Cheryl blamed Nadine for Girls Aloud’s original hiatus in 2009 and subsequent 2012 split, saying the Derry native was “full of shit”. Then poor Nadine said Girls Aloud still exists, but she’s the only member and then Cheryl unfollowed her on Twitter and ugh, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I am bereft. I hope you’re happy, girls. I SAID I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. Did I deserve? NO. Much sad, very loss.

Tulisa’s X Factor return

me entering 2015 #tulisa

A video posted by Jamie Tuohy (@jamietuohy) on

Stop the lights. Where do I start with this one?! After a vile couple of years, subjected to a grilling media storm at the hands of – as Twink would say – ferocious opportunists, Tulisa returned to the limelight this summer with a sensaysh comeback performance on XF. Returning to the show as a guest mentor for Louis’ Judges’ Houses segment, Tulisa emerged out of the water in a hauntingly-iconic slow-mo edit and let me tell you this for nothing – this is the way I want to walk into 2015. Tulisa: You are the Chosen One – be wise with your power, my love x.

Kim kropping North out of a selfie

gassss

lol

In 2005, Kerry Katona won the much-coveted and sought-after ‘Quality Street Mother of the Year Award’ and if you take a brief look at its illustrious list of winners, you’ll find a notable absentee. If Katie Price could scoop the gong in 2007, then there is absolutely no reason why Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be handed the accolade without contest. Am I wrong? No. I am DEAD RIGHT. In the last few months, she has proved herself to be the most iconic and hilarious mother in pop culture history but it is perhaps her v controversh Instagram pic wherein she crops little Nori out of a mother-daughter selfie that elevates her to levels of narcissism that are so beyond ridicule that they are actually aspirational. Her defence? She was feeling her look and Nori’s eyes were closed. Can she live? Kim, you gas bitch!

Interviewing David Gandy

jtd

Yeah, so this is probably the only serious post on the list, but obvs could not leave out – would you? Back in September, David Gandy was in Dublin to launch his underwear collectch for M&S and I was tasked with trying not to descend into a ball of sweat as I sat across from him and asked him questions about his pants. He was pretty much everything you expect David Gandy to be, except 10 times nicer. Of course, when he insisted I have a coffee with him as I was his last interview of the day, I played it v cool by taking A MASSIVE SHLUG of said coffee and burning the roof of my mouth, leading me to start the interview with this question: “David, I’m after scalding the mouth off myself with that coffee, can I get a water or something before we start?” #Thirst

Happy New Year bbz,

Jamie x

Standard
Showbiz

Seven Irish Women Who Would Be Gas on a Night Out

cc

Y’know when you’re sitting in a classroom for the first time and a teacher or tutor asks each person to go around the room and introduce themselves to fellow students? That oftentimes-terrifying moment when you have to scramble in your brain for something remotely interesting to say about yourself? “My name is Jamie and I’m a final year English student and my hobbies include blah, blah, blah…” It’s all rhubarb, to be quite frank. If I’m being completely honest, one of my greatest passions in life is The Gurlo and to be more specific, The Gurlo who is gas on a night out. It’s my standard unit of measurement for testing how successful a friendship will be.

The following is a wishlist – seven Irish women who I can envisage being all of the fun on a night on the tiles. Each one being able to make it through the night without once complaining about how their heels are killing them as we dance the night away. To each woman, I would offer my right arm for a shimmy to Beyoncé (obviously) and a dodgy curry at 4.30 a.m.

1.Twink

unzipped

Ever since Twink, a.k.a., Irish panto superstar and all-round glorious entertainer, SLAYdele Adele King told her ex-husband, David Agnew to “zip up his mickey”, I knew I wanted to be her best friend. But nothing could have prepared me for “Teddy-Gate”. The story of Adele’s beloved Teddy being taken by “opportunists” has been front-page news for the last few weeks. Now that the pooch has been returned to its doting owner, it’s safe to say that the saga has elevated Twink to Princess-Di levels of national treasuredom. Teddy, who is replacing Brian O’Driscoll as Ireland’s national hero was the catalyst to Twink’s reunion with frenemy, Linda Martin and as well that, his brief disappearance brought about some wonderful one-liners from the ever-theatrical panto dame. One of my favourites was when, asked by journalist Barry Egan how she was coping, Twink replied, “I feel like the Michelle Pfeiffer character in What Lies Beneath.” Marvellous stuff.

2. Anne Doyle

anne

Whatever you do, do not call Anne Doyle a veteran. Those of you who can remember (and why wouldn’t you?) TV3’s Total Xposure, the 2009 reality series which set out to find a new Xposé host will recall Anne’s disgust upon being called a veteran by contestant, Daniella Moyles. Moyles was the victim of Doyle’s razor sharp wit as she schooled the model in appropriate interview technique. And it is Anne’s fiery and gloriously-camp sense of humour that makes her the dream drinking companion. Watch the former newsreader’s 2013 Late Late Show interview below (0:36), wherein she hilariously tells Ryan Tubridy why she “never got a husband.” Anne reveals “I borrowed the odd one, but I always sent them back in good condition.” Are you able? Because I surely am not.

3. Kathryn Thomas

kt

You’d have a wild night out with Kathryn and you’d probably have an elephantine hangover the next morning. In an ideal world, you’d be dancing on the tables of Krystle or the like, only descending when the thirst required you to take a shlurp of your double vodka and coke. Ah, yes, Kathryn who shot to fame with what seemed like the best job in the world – presenter of RTE travel show, No Frontiers (are you singing the theme tune, yet?) would have you howling on a night out. She’d be the star of the show at pre-drinks – the enthralling raconteur revealing the juiciest of gossip – a dream, through and through. Remember when she peaked too soon during the final of The Voice of Ireland? Thinking the performance was over, Kathryn appeared on stage, only to realise the act wasn’t finished. Did it knock a stir out of her? Not at all – Kathryn ended up throwing caution to the wind and started dancing around the performer. Watch it below!

4. Celia Holman Lee

celi

If you follow me on the Twitter machine, then you’ll be familiar with my adulation of the winner of the inaugural best-dressed gong at the 2002 VIP Style Awards and victor of 2010’s Celebrity Salon, Celia Holman Lee. Having “modelled the length and breadth of Ireland”, the fashion agency boss is arguably the closest thing Ireland has to Victoria Beckham (!) and she oozes glamour and aspiration at every possibly opportunity. What I love most about Celia is her constant championing of her beloved Limerick at every opportunity. Whether she is presenting a fashion segment or giving an interview, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether Celia is at a GAA match or on national television and if that doesn’t make an icon, what will? Flick to 3.50 in the below video to see Celia’s flawless rendition of Beyonce’s Single Ladies to get a hint of what one might expect if you were lucky enough to experience a night out in Limerick with her.

5. Lucy Kennedy

lucy

Up until her 2008 TV series, Livin’ With Lucy, I hadn’t realised how much fun Lucy Kennedy is. She is, quite simply, a scream. The TV show saw Lucy spending a week in the homes of Samantha Mumba, David Norris and Calum Best to name but a few. In one episode, as she was sitting with Calum Best and his friend, Lucy told the friend that “I wouldn’t touch him with yours”, when asked if she would consider Calum as a love interest. Her shits given are in minus figures and you can be sure that on a night out, she’d have your back and take nothing from no one about anything. The sass would be hunreal and I’d be lapping it up with Lucy.

6. & 7. Bláthanid Ní Chofaigh and Amanda Brunker

two iphones

These two come as a pair and with good reason. The early noughties were all about Paris and Nicole, but now it’s time for a new duo to take centre-stage. I’m christening them, BláthManda. Bláthnaid is perhaps best known for presenting the highly addictive, unfortunately now-defunct, Afternoon Show alongside Sheana Keane and Anna Nolan, but Bláth (can I call her that?) was always the star of the daily talk-show. Amanda is the Jacqueline of all trades and mistress of many. Journalist, author (of the dazzling Champagne trilogy), model, sometimes singer (!!!), Midday panellist and all-round sage of the Sunday World, Amanda’s CV is bulging. Along with Ireland’s most famous Gaelgoir (no shade to the Seoige sisters), Ní Chofaigh, it ensures BláthManda are a force to be reckoned with.As you can see from the picture, they enjoy a good night out and it would appear that Amanda is living the dream with two iPhones. Possibly starting a petition to get these gals to join some friends and myself for a bottle of Bombay and dance-off at a lowbrow venue of their choosing. A signature could save a life, folks.

Honourable mentions to Miriam O’Callaghan, Linda Martin, Mary from Crystal Swing and the Seoige sisters. XoXo.

Standard
Showbiz

Why You All Need To Follow Joan Collins On Twitter

Queen of the Glamazonian Rainforest, icon of glamour and of our time, and an undisputed gem of humanity en général, Joan Collins is the be-all and end-all. Period. The actress and author, perhaps most famous for her role as super-bitch, Alexis Carrington Colby in Dynasty, is one of the few remaining legends of Hollywood’s golden era.

The source of brilliant quotes, such as “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine”, Joan’s iconic glamour is matched only by her fiery wit, and her Twitter account, @JoanCollinsOBE is a treasure trove of Collins’ brilliance. Here are some of her best:

She remains flawlessly glamorous in the face of natural disasters:

Joan posted this meme of herself when her plane was struck by lightning and you just know that while other people were frantically panicking, Joan was the epitome of collected cool. You just know it.

Here’s another hilarious Tweet of Joan’s that is beyond aspirational, in which she and her sister, the equally gorgeous and divine author, Jackie Collins sip cocktails during an earthquake. Your faves could never and you know damn well they couldn’t.

She is the perfect juxtaposition of a grieving widow and a sexy señorita:

Joan arriving to your funeral and bringing you back to life through the medium of poignant glamour.

A portrait of Joan in the workplace:

Just like the rest of us, Joan goes through the daily grind to put bread on the table.

Joan is a constant source of virtual aspiration:

Encased amongst a mountainous collection of monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage, Joan’s life may be one of unattainable luxury but she makes you wanna work (bitch!) to get that LV!

Speaking of B.I.T.C.H.:

Y’all know I have a thing for iconic phone covers, but Joan trumps me with this baby. Kris Jenner, you may exit stage left because Joan is the Queen of F*cking Everything.

She looks fabulous in head-to-toe sequins:

Joan shines brighter than my future ever could in this exemplary ensemble.

She loves to party and would be THE BEST fun on a night out:

Angelica Huston, Joan and Jackie, shoulder pads, leopard print and a night on the cocktails. THE DREAM. Room for a little one, ladies?

And finally, Miley Cyrus has crafted her career around Joan Collins:

If Miley has a shred of decency in her over-exposed body, she will send Joan a cheque with backdated royalties.

Follow Joan for more delicious insights into her life: @JoanCollinsOBE!

Standard
Music, Showbiz

An Idealistic Imagining of Kimye’s Wedding

cover p Amidst reports that Kim and Kanye are set to spend $75k per head on their forthcoming Parisian nuptials, even if this claim is untrue, there’s no denying that the marriage of two of pop culture’s biggest egoists will be a less-than-subtle affair. And I love Kimye all the more for their unyielding dedication to tasteless excess.

With that in mind, and with not much more than too much time on my hands now that exams are finished, Niamh and I began fantasising about what a Kimye wedding might entail and we got carried away, to say the least. We’ve been Keeping Up With The Kardashians since its glorious inception and thus, priding ourselves on our worryingly-extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of  what is ostensibly the world’s most famous family, we came up with a list of possibilities that is so extreme and excessive that in the world of Kimye, it just might happen.

Despite Kimye’s best attempts to fashion a more high-end aesthetic these days, the dream Kimye wedding would be an unabashed cesspit of tackorama and to be quite honest, I won’t really be happy if it’s anything less! Here is The Dream Kimye Wedding from the Gospel According to Jamie and Niamh:

The Dress:

 thelma

Lanvin? Balmain? McQueen? As if! Ideally, Kim would head straight to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’s Thelma Madine to create a one-off meringue of such gargantuan proportions, that Guinness World Records will make a petition to suggest it be recognised as a tenth planet. Clad in astronomical amounts of synthetic and highly flammable fibres, as Kim begins her walk up the unnecessarily long aisle, the venue descends into complete darkness and guests are advised to wear the specially provided sunglasses to avoid retina damage, as the bride enters. Illuminating the room with her freshly-sprayed skin that shines just on the right side of deep terracotta, Kim cuts a dazzling figure (literally) as her dress begins to gradually light up with neon lights that flash the message “Bound 2 U 4EVS”, which ends with a Photoshopped image of Kim and Kanye in the guise of William and Kate’s wedding picture that emanates from her Swarovski-encrusted bustier. Kanye weeps.

Kim walks up the aisle to Bound 2:

 bound 2

Well this just seems obvious, doesn’t it? This is Kim’s third wedding, so the virginal chimes of Here Comes The Bride were even a little too ironic for Kimye, so they settled on Kanye’s hit song dedicated to his then-fiancée. And with touching and moving lyrics such as “I want to f*ck you hard on the sink, after that get you something to drink, step back can’t get spunk on the mink”, the track seems wholly appropriate for the union between a woman who started her career on her back and a man who dedicates his life to rapping about it. Ah-ha, honey.

The resurrection of Kim’s kitten, Mercy Mercayyyyyyyyy as ring-bearer:

katty

Remember in Season 3 of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami when Kanye gifted Kimberley with the adorable Mercy? Of course you do! Kim was devastated when she had to give Mercy away to Khloe’s assistant because of her allergies and even more distraught when Mercy passed away after four months on the earth. However, Kanye had a word with the Gods – Beyoncé and Jay Z, and they agreed to release the kitten back onto the earth for Mommy’s big day. However, North is furious and in an extreme bout of sibling envy, tries, unsuccessfully, to smother Mercy under Kim’s seemingly never-ending train.

The wedding will be officiated by a specially programmed hologram of Anna Wintour:

anna and kanye

Following Kimye’s gracing of US Vogue, the least the pair could do is pay homage to its editor-in-chief and what greater way to honour Anna Wintour than by hiring will.i.am to program a special hologram of her to oversee the ceremony. Through the wonders of modern technology, Wintour will virtually unite Kim and Kanye in matrimony in a blessing that appropriately ends with “That’s all.”

Guests will be greeted with a complimentary shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk upon arrival at the reception:

In the same season of KKTM, viewers witnessed Kim use her sister’s breast-milk as a cure for her psoriasis and while Kourtney rudely refused to pump some milk to feed a thirsty Mercy, she has been much kinder for Kim’s big day. As guests arrive to the sprawling Parisian castle, waiting staff will offer a shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk, which she spent over six months extracting.

Kris’ special wedding speech:

dead right 

Momager and matriarch, Kris Jenner has had more than a guiding hand in her favourite daughter’s career so it seems appropriate that on her wedding day, Kris would trace the roots of Kim’s illustrious career. As the woman who famously said she was furious when she found out about Kim’s infamous sex tape, but as her manager, she realised she had a job to do, it seems fitting that Kris would begin her mother of the bride speech with a thank you to Ray J for catapulting her entire family to stardom. 

The Gift bag:

 kim k

A high point of Kimye’s wedding gift bag includes a voucher for a free arse lick from Kim’s shadow, Jonathan Cheban. In fairness, Jonathan is a PR powerhouse in his own right but he rose to prominence through his high-profile friendship with Kim Kardashian. Cheban can be seen in any given KUWTK episode schmoozing and sucking up to the Kardashian klan. Guests at Kimye’s nuptials can enjoy the same level of Chebanian sycophancy with this free arse lick, which is never-expiring as Jonathan is only all too happy to please. On the subject of arses, guests will also receive an autographed X-Ray of Kim’s much commented-on derrière to prove that it’s all real.

The Brawl:

khloe adopted

In a scene more befitting of an episode of Eastenders rather than the wedding of the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple (ugh, why, Anna?), the reception ends in carnage as Khloe Kardashian’s real father turns up.

Standard