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Chasing Eligibility: The Chelsea Way |Jamie Tuohy

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It may lack credibility and to some, will exist; merely as a gratuitous display of philistinism and anti-intellectualism, with self-styled aristocratic delusions of grandeur. However, amidst the champagne-clinking bitching of the Made in Chelsea cast, lays a breed of young socialites for whom eligibility is their middle name. Weekends in the French Riviera, spur of the moment trips to Dubai and spa breaks to get over the stress of holidaying in Italy typify the antics of this pampered cast. Dom Perignon, elite sports cars, bespoke suits and designer dresses are as commonplace as air for this crew and luxury is something which they breathe. Spencer, Jamie and Hugo class themselves as businessmen and while cynics may reduce them to the level of ‘trust-fund babies’ or heirs to daddy’s empire, here at More Matter Jamie, despite this blithering condescension and in-jest mocking commentary, resides a fondness for their lifestyle. Admittedly, it’s a slightly pasquinade fondness, but if you have a surfeit of cash, then adopting the Sloane-Ranger lifestyle is as easy as ordering the next single malt, garçon.

Here’s my tongue-in-cheek guide to becoming an incredibly stylish eligible Chelsea bachelor:

Where to Live:

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Well, Chelsea obviously. Quelle recession? Undoubtedly, like many other words (sorry, I couldn’t resist), the R word doesn’t enter the vocabulary of these reality TV stars. It’s all platinum credit cards and SW10 postcodes for these boys. A sure fire way of ensuring that you’re on Tatler’s Little Black Book of eligible bachelors is to snap up a prestigious penthouse in the famous Kensington borough. This Chelsea bachelor pad is ideal for wooing the ladies, but with a price only available on request, I can’t imagine there would be much change from £10million. But hey, what’s a few million, when one’s social climbing? Right boy?

What to drive:

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There are two cars that every Chelsea gent should have – a Range Rover Vogue and a sports car of some sort. The classic Range Rover will show society belles that you possess the sensibility and maturity to be in a committed relationship, but the sports car will portray your passion and intensity for a high-paced lifestyle. Avoid becoming a walking cliché by opting for a flashy Ferrari or Porsche, and instead nab yourself an Audi R8 Spider, which, despite being a hefty €/£200k doesn’t give off the impression that your car seats have built-in ego massagers. However, there are a few things to remember when you’re driving it. You are not a rebel without a cause. You will not look cool in driving gloves, an aviator jacket and shades, unless you are James Dean reincarnated. Keep the attire subtle for maximum impact.

What to Wear:

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In all seriousness, Spencer and Co. are an impeccably turned out bunch of guys. From Hugo’s classic English gent get up, to Jamie’s edgier London style, these guys are excellent exemplars of the Sloane Ranger look. Archetypal female Chelsea regalia involves donning white Zara three quarter-length jeans, a Ralph Lauren blazer, a Hermes scarf and Tory Burch pumps, in a Princess Di-meets-Pippa Middleton type appraisal. And the male ensemble is similarly constant. Head straight to Savile Row tailors for a couple of bespoke suits in primary shades of black and dark blue. Day time guises are a little more relaxed, so call on A.P.C and Acne for some edgy t-shirts. For the evening soirees where every Tom, Dick and Harry, or in this case, every, Ollie, Francis and Proudlock will be kitted out in Savile Row’s finest, donning a Ralph Lauren suit will make you stand out from the crowd and give you maximum appeal to aristocratic butterflies.

What to Drink and Where to Drink it:

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At this stage, you have the penthouse, the car and the look, but there’s one last thing you need to become a fully-fledged eligible Chelsea bachelor, and that’s somewhere to ‘PARDY PARDY’, as Mr Laing would say. From the exclusive Box nightclub to the famous Bungalow 8, there are a profusion of clubs in London which are synonymous with society soirees. For venues frequented by stars and royals alike, head to Annabel’s Club in Mayfair and Kensington’s Boujis, as well as the West End’s Café de Paris and JuJu on King’s Road. In the decadent and luxurious surroundings, enjoy Lychée Martinis, Negroni cocktails and the essential Cristal Louis Roederer Champagne. As you order a single malt for the road, Pippa will have a Royal Blush cocktail. No pun intended, of course. Should you feel peckish the morning after, then the Cheyne Walk Brasserie is the only place to dine in with your new femme.

Take this guide, go forth and climb, boy!

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