1. David and Victoria Beckham
The impossibly-ostentatious thrones, the sprawling castle, the Slim Barrett crown placed on top of a dodgy and spikey hair-do and the lavish Vera Wang gown – it can only be the nuptials of pseudo-royals, David and Victoria Beckham. A fashion moment Victoria would undoubtedly rather forget, the then pop princess’ 1999 wedding in Dublin’s Luttrellstown Castle to soccer ace David Beckham is now the stuff of celebrity legend. Despite their infamous rocky patch circa ‘03/’04 with David’s alleged affair with his PA, Rebecca Loos, Posh ‘n’ Becks appear to be one of celeb land’s strongest and undoubtedly most powerful couples, and with thanks in no small part to Victoria’s successful career transition into a credible and talented fashion designer, the duo are an internationally successful brand. I bet with her newfound penchant for minimalist chic, Victoria cringes at how deliciously-OTT her wedding was, but we’ll never let her forget her past!
2. Jordan and Peter
Ostensibly the original Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, there have been few celebrity matrimonies quite as tragic and ill-fated as Katie Price’s and Peter Andre’s 2005 Barbie/Cinderella-themed extravganza in Highclere Castle. Katie’s bridesmaid, Michelle Heaton commented on how ‘perfect’ the wedding would be, saying “it’s not going towards the tacky side, but the glamorous and the fairytale side” and her hilariously and unintentionally ironic statement is nearly as bizarre as Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding being Katie’s other bridesmaid. From the Cinderella-esque horse and pink carriage right down to to Katie’s astronomical Swarovski-encrusted dress and Peter’s all-white ensemble, the wedding was a first-class lesson in tackorama. One word: NOTIONS. Unsurprisingly the marriage didn’t last and Peter and Katie are infamously bitter and public about their feelings towards each other.
3. Liza Minnelli and David Gest
The pairing of Hollywood legend Liza Minnelli and music producer (?) David Gest was a strange one, if ever there was one and their resplendent, but outrageously weird 2002 New York wedding was never going to be a quiet affair. If you thought Sarah Harding was a strange choice of bridesmaid for Katie Price, then the Minnelli-Gest party will truly astound you in all its eclectic hilarity. Liza had fellow Hollywood superstar, the late Elizabeth Taylor as her maid of honour and David had Michael Jackson as his best man, but bizarrely and hilariously included in Liza’s 16-strong bridesmaid line-up was Martine McCuthceon, of Eastenders (and later Love Actually) fame, who is now recognised as everyone’s favourite face of a certain probiotic yoghurt brand. The wedding was a Fifth Avenue affair with over 500 guests, including everyone from Anthony Hopkins to Mel C, with reportedly $700,000 spent on flowers alone. However, marriage wasn’t exactly “a cabaret, old chum” for this particular duo, as they divorced a year later.
4. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander
I know, I know – predictable, etc. but an outrageous celebrity wedding line-up would be tragically incomplete without Britney’s car-crash 2004 shotgun Vegas union with childhood friend, Jason Alexander. Legend has it that it was apparently after watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (how fitting!) that Spears and Alexander felt compelled to do something wildly romantic and tie the knot in Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel. Dressed in ripped jeans and what can only be described as some sort of makeshift belly-top and baseball cap, one of the shortest weddings in celebrity history was annulled after only 55 hours of marital bliss. Ah, poor Britney was clearly MAD-OU-OF-IH, so we can’t judge her and she did go on to have a few years of happiness with K-Fed, but all I can say is ‘IT-SHOULD-HAVE-BEEN-JUSTIN-GODDMAIT.’
5. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Oh, where to start?! An exclusive magazine deal was clearly too run-of-the-mill for reality TV queen, Kim Kardashian, so guided by her ferociously ambitious momager, Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian’s 2011 marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries was turned into a 4-hour, 2-part E! special with was a lesson in crass ostentation and mindless spendthrift capitalism. This marriage was all money, money, money and the Kardashian klan reportedly pocketed $18 million from the nuptials. You’ve got to hand it to her, Kim did look stunning in her three custom-made Vera Wang gowns but the wedding was almost an unknowingly updated version of Jordan and Peter’s car crash big day. In saying that, I’d have died and gone to heaven were I on the guest list because the Kardashians can throw a party, and then some! However, the wedding was more of a business transaction than an emotional investment, so it was hardly shocking to see Kim and Kris announce their separation after only 72 days of marriage. I can’t imagine Kim’s forthcoming marriage to the egomaniacal Kanye West will be a much more subtle affair than her doomed 2011 espousal.
…And some final Tuesday Triva
If you thought Britney’s and Kim’s ill-fated marriages were short, then these two are only trailing behind old Hollywood legends, Zza Gabor and Rudolph Valentino. While the logistics around the legalities of both marriages are hazy, Zza married Felipe de Alba on a ship and divorced him later that day, while Valentino divorced Jean Acker after only 6 hours of marriage, when she refused to let him into their honeymoon suite, only 20 minutes after tying the knot. Ouch!