Lifestyle, Ramblings

Lust

Like tumbling ivy gripping the walls of an old country house, they gather vehemently in every corner, expanding almost exponentially as the weeks pass by. Some are scattered, others are arranged neatly and lovingly, while some peek from the corners, urging to be noticed, absorbed and cherished.

Books. Lots of books. Hundreds of page turners, one hit wonders, classics et al fill the tiny space that is my bedroom. The one bookshelf that sufficed many, many years ago now suffering under the weight of its literary oppressors. Over the years I have acquired a hefty collection of reading material which now begs to be housed in the most delectable of surroundings.

I love a good bookshelf. I’d love a good bookshelf. Any one of these take your fancy as much as they steal mine?

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Ramblings, Showbiz

Victoria smiles: I die

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I know I said I wasn’t going to blog while I’m in California for the summer, but as I woke up this morning, my various social media timelines looked pointedly different and unfamiliar and this just has to be addressed.

Then I saw it. And then I saw another one. Then there were more. My heart leapt out of my chest and breathing became difficult. How was I meant to cope? This wasn’t meant to happen. I wasn’t prepared for this. My body went into shock. She isn’t meant to do this.

My long-held obsesh with VB reached new levels today when I found these pics of her smiling. I have no words. I still can’t even deal with it. She is delish in every way. Bury me in Gucci.

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Music, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

What I expect from Baby Kimye | Jamie Tuohy

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The announcement that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian are with child is a momentous occasion in the history of celebrity culture. Not since Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to an Apple has there been so much fuss about a celebrity offspring. Baby Kimye’s arrival will make Harper Beckham’s birth look like a stable delivery, as the Kardashian Klan will almost certainly treat this pregnancy with Messianic expectation. Therefore, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I decided to take a look at what life might have in store for Baby Kimye (which, in case you haven’t copped by now, is thoroughly and wholeheartedly in jest).

Kimberly Ⅱ

Kimberly Ⅱ

THE BABY SHOWER

A televised event, naturally. Baby Kimye will have the baby shower to end all baby showers. Kris will take charge of this, taking Kimye’s predilection for leather into account, incorporating whips, chains and all things bondage into proceedings, paying subtle homage to her daughter’s initiation into the world of celebrity. Sexual, but understated – there are kids around after all. Gifts will include some holistic birthing aids from Kourtney and Scott, Khloe and Lamar will offer themselves as godparents and Kendall and Kylie will make a ‘totally fab’ video to be shown to Baby Kimye when he/she is older. Jay  Z will make an appearance out of respect for his best mate Kanye, but Beyoncé will be washing her weave that day. However, Kelly Rowland will do her best Bey impression and serenade Kim’s tummy with Destiny’s Child classics. Paris Hilton will turn up with some personalised “That’s Hot” baby gifts, but will be refused entry. Poor mite.

THE BIRTH

A paradox – dramatic, yet monotonous. A 2 part E! Special will be dedicated to the event, detailing the moment Kim’s waters break in Baby Gap right through to the moment Kendall films the arrival of Baby Kimye. The hospital room which is filled with the Kardashians and the Wests will erupt into simultaneous shrieking and rapping and as Kim gets her make-up touched up, she will look into Baby Kimye’s eyes and with a hint of emotion, she will smile and declare “how fab!”

THE NAME

The cynic inside me wonders whether Kim got with Kanye simply to continue her family’s frenetic exercise in alliteration. Never has there been a family as dedicated to the letter K as the Kardashian Klan. As Kim is the main breadwinner, one can only hope that Baby Kimye, be it a boy or girl will have a name beginning with the Kardashian’s favourite letter, thus continuing the familial brand. Regardless of gender, I’m feeling something with a hint of white-trash. Something that will look good in lights – possible suggestions include, Kacey, Kassandra, Krystal, Kaden, Kalisha, Kalina, Kalysta, Koko, Kandi, Kassy, Kegan, Kole, Konrad, Kingston, Kipling, Kameron., Kanye 2.0 and KimberlyⅡ.

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

Baby Kimye will celebrate his or her first birthday on stage with daddy Kanye and mummy Kim, who will roll out a 10-tier birthday cake to rapturous applause from the arena. Wearing diamond-encrusted ear-muffs and a D&G suit, Baby Kimye will smile for the world’s media and Blue Ivy will strut onto stage to give her best mate a birthday hug. Beyoncé will observe from the wings, having previously instructed baby Blue to walk onto the stage, give the hug and then get off as soon as possible. Baby Blue will stay longer than anticipated, as Kim picks her up in her arms and holds her up to the crowd, because Kim is wearing fur, so she thinks it will be ‘like a super cute Lion King moment.’ Beyoncé will cringe backstage and a part of her may well possibly die.

BABY KIMYE’S FIRST REALITY TV SHOW

Just as Will and Kate’s son will be the most famous royal child, superseding all of the Queen’s other great-grandchildren, Baby Kimye will similarly overshadow young Mason and Penelope Scotland to become the most ubiquitous of Kris’ grandchildren. After making numerous appearances since birth in mummy’s reality TV show, E! executives will decide it’s time to give the then 8-year-old Kimye child his or her first reality TV show which will detail his or her ambitions to become the next Willow Smith, as they try to carve out a career as a rapper. Kanye will advise and there will be a number of special-guest appearances from other well-known celeb offspring. Harper Beckham will stroll in to advise Child Kimye on how to create a totally awesome clothing line for super funky kids. However, Harper will disapprove of Child Kimye’s excessive use of leopard print and sequins in the collection, storming out of the playhouse, as Child Kimye repeatedly refuses her protestations to adopt a more minimalist approach. The first single, with guest vocals from Blue Ivy will mark the beginning of Child Kimye’s path to rebellion, as he/she entitles the single Superstar, unaware of a video his/her mother made some years before he/she entered the world, with the same unfortunate title.

THE TEENAGE YEARS

While Mason and Penelope will have benefited from their boarding-school education in the Hamptons, Kim and Kanye will have home-schooled Teenage Kimye, teaching a variety of necessitous Kardashian/West modules, including “How to live a totally fab life” (Kim’s favourite) and “How to pull off double leather with gold chains”, taught by daddy Kanye. Nicki Minaj will guest lecture with the essential “How not to be a basic bitch” course and at the age of eighteen, Teenage Kimye will turn down a place at UCLA to study Twitter and decide to go it alone in the real world instead. Teenage Girl Kimye will have a brief, but much-documented liaison with any given member of One Direction, after following Kim’s advice to date an older guy. Teenage Boy Kimye will similarly hook up with Rebecca Black, on what will undoubtedly be a dark day for the family. To make it worse, the story will break on a Friday. Kanye will start to worry about his offspring’s street-cred.

kanye and kim

THE FIRST MARRIAGE

Having decided it’s time to settle down at the ripe old age of 22, Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱwill get married in a lavish affair on Brooklyn Beckham’s yacht in the Seychelles. The dress code will strictly read ‘real classy, yet sexy. Animal print essential.’ The guests will closely resemble an equatorial rainforest and Mummy and Daddy Kimye will sort it out with the then President Oprah to declare the wedding a national holiday and it will be beamed into billions of television screens across the world. The marriage will appropriately last 72 days. The cycle shall begin again until the now divorced Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱ meets his/her prince/princess and begins to produce Kimye Version 3.

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Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Reviews, Showbiz, Television

My favourite things from 2012 | Jamie Tuohy

As 2012 draws to an end, I felt it was appropriate to round up the year with a look at some of my favourite things from the last 12 months. An exercise in self-indulgence, if truth be told. (The only exercise I ever do).

MY FAVOURITE PERSON

CHEZBOMB

Was there ever a doubt? It has to be Cheryl. After meeting her, could it be anyone else? Like a pint-sized Aphrodite with her adorable dimples and flowing, tousled brown locks, Cheryl was a vision to behold when I met her back in October. The obsession will never die. 2012 was a great year for Cheryl, with her first solo arena tour, the release of her third album and autobiography and of course, the much-anticipated reunion with Girls Aloud. All hail Queen Cheryl.

MY FAVOURITE SONG

call my name CO

Call My Name by Cheryl. Obviously. After a short sabbatical, Cheryl returned with her impossibly-catchy, fist-pumping collaboration with Calvin Harris which resulted in Call My Name becoming No. 1.

MY FAVOURITE BOOK

the dinner

The Dinner by Herman Koch. The plotline is easily explained. Two couples meet in an Amsterdam restaurant and skirt around the fact that their sons have committed a grievous crime. The book details each course and as the evening progresses, the barriers break down and it’s revealed each couple isn’t as different as the guilty son they are trying to protect. Paul and Serge Lohman, together with their respective wives Claire and Babette must confront their own consciences in this beguiling tale of biased morality and personal loyalty.

MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW

REVENGE

Without a doubt, it has to be Revenge. Emily Thorne’s quest for filial vengeance against the Graysons is set in the Hamptons and makes for fascinating and unpredictable drama. Mike Kelley has created one of the best shows in years and the retributive offerings and antics of Emily Thorne was most certainly a 2012 TV highlight.

MY FAVOURITE MOVIE

wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. A coming-of-age drama about an awkward teenager who struggles with self-confidence before finally being accepted into an eccentric circle of friends sounds like a typically clichéd teenage movie. However, The Perks of Being a Wallflower far exceeds its general outline, just as its central character’s timorous disposition transcends the realms of everyday teenage angst. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is the movie adaptation of Stephen Chbosky’s first novel of the same name and while I initially went to see the movie solely to see how Emma Watson was ‘coming along’ since Harry Potter, the flick co-starring Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller became my favourite film of the year. Check out my review here.

MY FAVOURITE TWEETER

IRISH

@irishmammies – every time. Colm O’Regan is the genius behind this motherly account which relays all the hilarious witticisms of the Irish Mammy everyone loves. From sayings like “will you have it in bowl or a wafer?” and “there’s a fierce draught”, @irishmammies has become my favourite Twitter account, offering a sense of familiarity and hilarity in the vast cyber sphere. The book it has spawned Isn’t it well for ye? The Book  of Irish Mammies is also well worth the read.

MY FAVOURITE GADGET

MY IPAD

I got an iPad as a Christmas present and it has swiftly become my favourite gadget. LIKE, EVER. I can see why it is Oprah’s all-time favourite invention. I can’t fathom how I lived without it. Je l’adore.

MY FAVOURITE PURCHASE

mass jump

There have been a few, but this Massimo Dutti jumper comes out on top. A gorgeous blend of wool and cashmere, I’m treasuring it forever, and wearing it incessantly. Sorry to all the aviator jackets that didn’t make the cut – especially to my denim one, you little beaut.

MY FAVOURITE QUOTE

jimism 1

Beating Macbeth, is my housemate Jim Murphy, with his hilarious aphorisms. On seeing hot French people in a queue for a club, Jim noted,

“I LOVE French people. These French rides were like “bonjour” and I was like “BON-FUCKING-JOUR!” (Please note, this is most effective when said in a strong Cork accent. Sheer brilliance!)

For more of these hilarious one liners, check out the Facebook page dedicated to all of the Jimisms here. Give it a live – you really won’t regret it.

MY FAVOURITE IRISH CELEBRITY

rosanna

Rosanna Davison. 2012 was definitely Rosanna’s year and she got the nation talking back in September by becoming the first Irishwoman to pose on the cover of German Playboy. The sizzling shoot undoubtedly earned Rosanna a whole new army of fans, but equally the cynics were out in force. What’s so admirable about Rosanna is the way she handled the whole situation – proving herself to be an intelligent and articulate woman who is in control of her own career. Rosanna showed how the shoot was about female empowerment as much as it was about looking gorgeous. 2013 is looking bright!

MY FAVOURITE SURPRISE

GHETTO BABY

Cheryl really treated me in 2012. When she released the raunchy new video for the Lana Del Rey-penned track Ghetto Baby it made her soldiers’ Christmas. Nobody expected it and it was a welcomed treat. Plus it’s her steamiest and hottest one yet, with lots of Trezza action. Watch it here.

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jamie and chez
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Music, Ramblings, Showbiz

The night before Cheryl | Jamie Tuohy

‘Twas the night before Cheryl and all through the house, Jamie was hyper like a big girl’s blouse.

Okay, let’s not skirt around the issue, tomorrow is D-Day. It’s as significant as the day when yer man walked on the moon. It’s as important as when that adventurer fellow stumbled upon an unexplored America. Okay, in this case, significance might be ever so slightly subjective, but make no bones about it, tomorrow will be MAJOR.

It is of course, the day when Cheryl Cole finally gets to meet Jamie Tuohy. She has been waiting for this ever since she tweeted him ‘Happy Birthday Babe’ and sent him a flirty winky face in response to a generic, but hilarious chat-up line. By all accounts, Cheryl is buzzing. Word has it that Jamie is quite excited as well.

I’m not even employing hyperbole when I say that I am slowly losing the ability to speak and process my thoughts in a coherent manner. I am randomly referring to myself in the third person – a typically self-indulgent, but equally strange thing to do. My mind has become warped by a sense of Cheryl foreboding. What will I say? What will she say? Will it be a summer or winter wedding? Or a spring affair?

Anyone who knows me can testify to my Cheryl obsession. Even for anyone who sporadically reads this blog, my predilection for all things Chezza is as perceptible as her beauty.

A word of warning: if you thought my blog post on Nigella Lawson was a lengthy expression of a deep affiliation, just wait until you read the post that I’ll be putting up about my meeting with Cheryl Cole. The Da Vinci Code will look like a pamphlet in comparison.

For now, I must go and try and catch some of that breath I’ve lost in anticipation of tomorrow night!

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nigellisima
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

My obsession with Nigella Lawson | Jamie Tuohy

Jack Whitehall said that he does not walk across a stage, but he glides, and similarly, when Nigella Lawson beckons me to enter her paradisiacal and idealised world of culinary carnality, she isn’t simply showing me how to cook the perfect ‘prodigious pavlova’, but rather she is seducing me through the medium of her own self-styled food porn. With each silky smooth, alliterative utterance, I bow and worship at the altar of Nigella, for no other reason other than a self-induced devotion to this Domestic Goddess. The Gospel according to Nigella calls for gluttony, covetousness, decadence, and my favourite thing of all – excess.

My love for Nigella began when she gently guided me through the making of a chocolate cloud cake and steadily progressed when she mentioned slut’s spaghetti. By the time she offered me a chocolate cherry trifle, I had fallen for her hook, line and sinker. Obsessed might be a more apt word, but, as Oscar Wilde once said, “moderation is a fatal thing, nothing succeeds like excess.” And in the world of Nigella, nothing flourishes better than superabundance – from her well-stocked larder, right down to her lavishly verbose and implicitly sexual vocabulary.

If Nigella suggests her Flameware Tagine is an excellent kitchen apparatus for slow-roasting vegetables, within hours, I am confirming my order on Amazon for one in black. I’ll probably impulse buy a parmesan grater as well, because Nigella says it will cut the cheese into sandy rubble rather than aerated threads. At the minute, I’m trying to orchestrate a situation whereby I require a KitchenAid mixer, just like Nigella’s, but as a student, the opportunities for using one are few and far between. At this stage, it looks like my mother’s Christmas present will be a Farrow & Ball cream KitchenAid, just so I can excessively tweet Nigella about how alike we are.

What I really love about Nigella is her seemingly nonchalant effort to food and life. She tells us not to follow instructions or recipes slavishly, but rather to adapt and work with what you’ve got. She frequently tells us that she’s too lazy to peel her potato skins or that she’s using canned tomatoes, because they’re ‘just easier to deal with.’ It seems like everything is effortless for her, but this nonchalance is closely followed by her hilariously wild presumptions. I can only love her even more for thinking that everyone can pop into their expansive larder for some sugar craft poinsettia, or a dash of sumac. Nigella grew up as the daughter of an MP father, her mother who was an heiress and socialite, and she lives in a £12.3 million London home, so she can be forgiven if her notions of accessible kitchen accoutrements are decidedly grand.

However, what’s so appealing about Nigella is in fact, despite her apparently salubrious upbringing, she is wholeheartedly down-to-earth, completely unassuming and totally self-deprecating. She refutes the notion that she is a chef, claiming that she doesn’t have the training or skilful expertise to merit such a title. She says she simply cooks for pleasure and admits that, despite following her passion, she is somewhat self-indulgent. She may sugar-coat her recipes, but Nigella does not sugar-coat the truth. She’s refreshingly honest in an industry that is notoriously duplicitous.

If she’s too lazy to cook, she tells us. She confesses that the reason she doesn’t have to worry about what she eats is because she wears an elasticated waistband – which is a nice antidote to the usual celebrity spiel of “running after my kids keeps me fit.”

Of course, perhaps the most enticing attribute of this Domestic Goddess is her sui generis presenting style. Before Nigella, melted chocolate and butter was not a “mesmeric ravishing pool” and a pasta carbonara wasn’t “beautiful, pale and heavenly.” Yes, Nigella’s sensual and oftentimes evocative descriptions of food have become her celebrated trademark. They have even led to a top 10 innuendo countdown. As she sifts through flour, marvels at her “golden globules”, or talks about the “hint of inner thigh wibble” in a cheesecake, each time she cooks, Nigella presents a lesson on the sexuality of gastronomy.

As she smiles sadistically before she beats a chicken to death, she turns towards the camera and says, “I love and respect a chicken but for all that, I am going to behave pretty brutishly to it.” She is literally decapitating a chicken and she makes it look sexy. She is a gorgeous woman, but for me, her most appealing characteristic is definitely her propensity for verbosity. As she piles berries on top of a cake, she’ll declare, “How beautiful these juicy beaded blackberries look, glinting darkly out of that pale billowing duvet of cream.” Genius.

Nigella says that she never wanted to do TV and compared to her “initial, earnest self”, she has “ran away and joined the circus.” She has said that as a young journalist, she had great ambitions to write the major novel of the twentieth century and sort of “fell into food writing and presenting by accident.” It’s a fall I am duly grateful for. The word ‘fate’ is bantied around too freely these days, but surely Nigella Lawson was in some way, predestined for life of gastronomic sexuality.

Who else can make her Marigolds look like Agent Provocateur’s finest or tempt one to spend hundreds on relatively expendable kitchen gadgets? But if Nigella says a spoon rest is an essential kitchen utensil, I’ll take two – in high-gloss cream and shiny red, please. The beauty of Nigella Lawson is that from the outside, her world seems highly idealised. No measurements or definitions are needed. Everything is relaxed and casual and punctuated by mood lighting. Even if the private Nigella is antithetical to the perceived Domestic Goddess figure, it doesn’t really matter, because, idealism, like obsession is an addiction and Nigella inspires blind devotion.

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Ramblings, Showbiz, Television, Uncategorized

In celebration of Caroline Flack’s addiction to shorts

Caroline Flack is one beautiful woman, and she has some of the best legs in the business. Therefore, it’s no surprise that she regularly (read as constantly) takes to wearing shorts to show off her shapely pins. It isn’t hard to see why a certain boy band member was attracted to this oh so Styles-ish TV presenter, as her sui generis addiction to shorts has become her celebrated trademark.

Let’s take a look at Caroline’s nougarclobber:

*Nougar: a new breed of COUGAR. As opposed to their leopard print wearing, collagen-enhanced counterparts, the nougar is a newly divorced, 30 something-year-old, with a penchant for college teens. You will recognise them through their penchant for pastel colours, Peter Pan collars and Topshop caparisons.

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