7 collaborations inspired by Rachel Allen’s collecsh for Right Price Tiles


Okay, so Holly and I are obsessed with the TOTALLY RANDOM news that TV chef Rachel Allen will be releasing her own range of “signature tiles” for Right Price Tiles, so much so that we’ve imagined just what it would be like if some of our other favourite Irish celebs had their very own household collaboraysh:

Shane Filan’s kitchen stools exclusive to Littlewoods


Former Westlife star Shane Filan spent a large amount of his boyband days sitting on and getting up off stools on stage, so it seems fitting that he would join forces with catalogue giant Littlewoods to release his very own range. The range will be extortionately priced, but value for money is guaranteed as these stools are multi-functional, doubling up as the perfect prop for that classic key change *stand up out of stool* moment. Shane has said that each stool is made from 109% Sligo bog peat and is the ideal gift for session moths who like to take a seat when they have a go on the karaoke machine at 6 a.m.

The Celia Collezioni at Shannonside Building Suppliers Ltd.


Fresh from her Ice Bucket Challenge, which took the internet by storm, top model agent Celia Holman Lee will be releasing her own range of limited edition bespoke buckets available exclusively at Shannonside Building Suppliers. After having to “just use a regular ‘aul bucket from the back shed” for her challenge, Celia felt that there was a niche in the market for a range of chic and sophisticated buckets and thus the Celia Collezioni was born. The collaboration will be launched in stores this summer and customers will be able to buy customised buckets to match any outfit with a further line of First Holy Communion buckets being released in the Fall.

Kathryn Thomas’ range of gas bitch fires in associaysh with Bord Gáis


She lights up your home every Sunday night as the hostess with the mostest on The Voice of Ireland, but now Kathryn Thomas wants to go one step further by literally lighting up every home around Ireland. Commenting on her new range of gas fires in associaysh with Bord Gáis, the TV presenter said with a knowing wink that “No frontier has been left unturned and I’ve been involved in the entire process from the initial design concept right through to the mechanical logistics of the 10-fire range.”

Twink and Linda X Guineys


Panto dames and all-round national treasures Twink and Linda Martin have teamed up with Irish homeware giant Guineys to create a capsule collection of essential household items inspired by their legendary friendship and iconic careers. The centrepiece of the Twink and Linda X Guineys line will be a remote-controlled red curtain, ensuring that everyone can “bring the panto into their own home.”

Lisa Murphy Cement™ available at Woodie’s DIY


“Oh, I loike totally swear by Lisa Murphy Cement™” replied Dublin Housewives star and owner of New Lisa Life beauty salon, Lisa Murphy when asked about her new cement range for Woodie’s, having built her salon with her own bare hands during the recesh. Proving that there are many strings to her bow, Lisa has said that she has always been interested in the construction industry and even posed for a photo-call in a builder’s hat during her modelling days.

Mary Burke’s range of extension leads in collaboraysh with Electric Ireland


Crystal Swing’s answer to Kris Jenner, Mary Burke knows the perils of a short lead all too well. As the matriarch of the all-singing, all-dancing Cork family trio, Mary has said that with the band’s extensive equipment, venues simply don’t have enough extension leads for their instruments. She remarked, “Derek has to be able to take the mic from the stage all the way down to the back of the function room without it loosening from the karaoke machine, so this collaboration seemed like a no-brainer. I’ve always got the electricity from Electric Ireland so it’s a perfect match.”

The Amanda Brunker Wine Rack @ Argos

Amanda Brunker Nadia Power shoot June 2010

Former party girl turned author Amanda Brunker is set to release a range of dazzling wine racks available exclusively at Argos. Amanda is also offering one lucky customer the chance to win a night out on the (Rachel Allen signature) tiles with her if they enter the competition at the cashdesk with Amanda arriving to your gaff by limo for prinks from the new wine rack before whisking you away for a night you’ll never forget. Both Holly and I have already pre-ordered seven racks each and will be doing our best to secure the prize, to be honest.

Pics by Holly

Words by Jamie

Concept by both of us x


New Year, Same Me: My 2014 Pop Culture Highlights (and one v lowlight)


The end of the year may be a time for personal reflectch and yada, yada, yada – B.O.R.I.N.G., but tbqh, I plan on changing absolutely nothing about myself in 2015. I shall trod into the New Year with a gargantuan-sized glass of Pinot, accompanied by my partner-in-wine, (according to the Irish Independent) Holly Shortall and together we’ll just keep on being glam and gas, because unlike PINK, we are here for your entertainment.

So, instead of a generic rambling list of personal achievements and future hopes, I am compiling a catalogue of something much deeper and closer to my heart – my top 5 moments in pop culture from the last year – all of which are much significant, so emotion and many personal to me. Enjoy xo.

The Story of Twink and Teddy

twink and teddy

I don’t mean to exaj, but this story gripped the nation in 2014 and it has held me in its furry paw ever since. The tale of Adele King and her briefly dognapped Teddy was one of heartache, hope, tenacity, resilience and elation. It was like an episode of Eastenders, except 2,876 times more gripping and emosh. As the country rallied around the panto queen in the aftermath of Teddy’s disappearance, a tip-off led the pooch back into the arms of its doting owner and made icons out of both Twink and Teddy. (As if they weren’t national treasures already, says you!) As the clock strikes 12 tonight, let us all raise a glass to our glitter-clad Queen, Saviour and Ireland’s answer to Joan Collins – Adele King.

My relaysh with Nigella Lawson*

nigella 1 nigella 2

Hope you don’t mind the abbreevs – they just come so natch these days. Relaysh = relationship if you’re confused. Anyway, this year actually saw my obsesh with Nigella receive some reciprocal effort (jeez, Nigella, it takes two), as the self-styled Domestic Goddess, *practically* replied to everything I Tweeted her with a ‘lil DM or public Tweet. Each time, she sent me into a frenzied trance where I’d just scream and hyperventilate until I was told to get a big fat grip. But yeah, I do be living for a bit of #JayGella these days. (*Alright, calm down, I don’t actually think we’re besties, just to be clear).

Cheryl and Nadine – The Fall-Out


(Word of advice: Links are worth clicking on this one, if I do say so myself x)

2014 has not been all plain sailing. Ronan Keating may well call it a roller coaster, but let me tell you, the sea has been just as choppy as it has been smooth. Undoubtedly, the iceberg to my Titanic was the v public spat between my two fave pop princesses of the noughties – my beloved Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and Nadine Coyle. It has had and will continue to have a lasting impact on me. They were the two gals I wanted to be besties the most – y’know, Cheryl over in LA visiting baby Anaya, etc., etc. But, alas, my heart broke when Cheryl blamed Nadine for Girls Aloud’s original hiatus in 2009 and subsequent 2012 split, saying the Derry native was “full of shit”. Then poor Nadine said Girls Aloud still exists, but she’s the only member and then Cheryl unfollowed her on Twitter and ugh, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I am bereft. I hope you’re happy, girls. I SAID I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. Did I deserve? NO. Much sad, very loss.

Tulisa’s X Factor return

me entering 2015 #tulisa

A post shared by Jamie Tuohy (@jamietuohy) on

Stop the lights. Where do I start with this one?! After a vile couple of years, subjected to a grilling media storm at the hands of – as Twink would say – ferocious opportunists, Tulisa returned to the limelight this summer with a sensaysh comeback performance on XF. Returning to the show as a guest mentor for Louis’ Judges’ Houses segment, Tulisa emerged out of the water in a hauntingly-iconic slow-mo edit and let me tell you this for nothing – this is the way I want to walk into 2015. Tulisa: You are the Chosen One – be wise with your power, my love x.

Kim kropping North out of a selfie



In 2005, Kerry Katona won the much-coveted and sought-after ‘Quality Street Mother of the Year Award’ and if you take a brief look at its illustrious list of winners, you’ll find a notable absentee. If Katie Price could scoop the gong in 2007, then there is absolutely no reason why Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be handed the accolade without contest. Am I wrong? No. I am DEAD RIGHT. In the last few months, she has proved herself to be the most iconic and hilarious mother in pop culture history but it is perhaps her v controversh Instagram pic wherein she crops little Nori out of a mother-daughter selfie that elevates her to levels of narcissism that are so beyond ridicule that they are actually aspirational. Her defence? She was feeling her look and Nori’s eyes were closed. Can she live? Kim, you gas bitch!

Interviewing David Gandy


Yeah, so this is probably the only serious post on the list, but obvs could not leave out – would you? Back in September, David Gandy was in Dublin to launch his underwear collectch for M&S and I was tasked with trying not to descend into a ball of sweat as I sat across from him and asked him questions about his pants. He was pretty much everything you expect David Gandy to be, except 10 times nicer. Of course, when he insisted I have a coffee with him as I was his last interview of the day, I played it v cool by taking A MASSIVE SHLUG of said coffee and burning the roof of my mouth, leading me to start the interview with this question: “David, I’m after scalding the mouth off myself with that coffee, can I get a water or something before we start?” #Thirst

Happy New Year bbz,

Jamie x


Seven Irish Women Who Would Be Gas on a Night Out


Y’know when you’re sitting in a classroom for the first time and a teacher or tutor asks each person to go around the room and introduce themselves to fellow students? That oftentimes-terrifying moment when you have to scramble in your brain for something remotely interesting to say about yourself? “My name is Jamie and I’m a final year English student and my hobbies include blah, blah, blah…” It’s all rhubarb, to be quite frank. If I’m being completely honest, one of my greatest passions in life is The Gurlo and to be more specific, The Gurlo who is gas on a night out. It’s my standard unit of measurement for testing how successful a friendship will be.

The following is a wishlist – seven Irish women who I can envisage being all of the fun on a night on the tiles. Each one being able to make it through the night without once complaining about how their heels are killing them as we dance the night away. To each woman, I would offer my right arm for a shimmy to Beyoncé (obviously) and a dodgy curry at 4.30 a.m.



Ever since Twink, a.k.a., Irish panto superstar and all-round glorious entertainer, SLAYdele Adele King told her ex-husband, David Agnew to “zip up his mickey”, I knew I wanted to be her best friend. But nothing could have prepared me for “Teddy-Gate”. The story of Adele’s beloved Teddy being taken by “opportunists” has been front-page news for the last few weeks. Now that the pooch has been returned to its doting owner, it’s safe to say that the saga has elevated Twink to Princess-Di levels of national treasuredom. Teddy, who is replacing Brian O’Driscoll as Ireland’s national hero was the catalyst to Twink’s reunion with frenemy, Linda Martin and as well that, his brief disappearance brought about some wonderful one-liners from the ever-theatrical panto dame. One of my favourites was when, asked by journalist Barry Egan how she was coping, Twink replied, “I feel like the Michelle Pfeiffer character in What Lies Beneath.” Marvellous stuff.

2. Anne Doyle


Whatever you do, do not call Anne Doyle a veteran. Those of you who can remember (and why wouldn’t you?) TV3’s Total Xposure, the 2009 reality series which set out to find a new Xposé host will recall Anne’s disgust upon being called a veteran by contestant, Daniella Moyles. Moyles was the victim of Doyle’s razor sharp wit as she schooled the model in appropriate interview technique. And it is Anne’s fiery and gloriously-camp sense of humour that makes her the dream drinking companion. Watch the former newsreader’s 2013 Late Late Show interview below (0:36), wherein she hilariously tells Ryan Tubridy why she “never got a husband.” Anne reveals “I borrowed the odd one, but I always sent them back in good condition.” Are you able? Because I surely am not.

3. Kathryn Thomas


You’d have a wild night out with Kathryn and you’d probably have an elephantine hangover the next morning. In an ideal world, you’d be dancing on the tables of Krystle or the like, only descending when the thirst required you to take a shlurp of your double vodka and coke. Ah, yes, Kathryn who shot to fame with what seemed like the best job in the world – presenter of RTE travel show, No Frontiers (are you singing the theme tune, yet?) would have you howling on a night out. She’d be the star of the show at pre-drinks – the enthralling raconteur revealing the juiciest of gossip – a dream, through and through. Remember when she peaked too soon during the final of The Voice of Ireland? Thinking the performance was over, Kathryn appeared on stage, only to realise the act wasn’t finished. Did it knock a stir out of her? Not at all – Kathryn ended up throwing caution to the wind and started dancing around the performer. Watch it below!

4. Celia Holman Lee


If you follow me on the Twitter machine, then you’ll be familiar with my adulation of the winner of the inaugural best-dressed gong at the 2002 VIP Style Awards and victor of 2010’s Celebrity Salon, Celia Holman Lee. Having “modelled the length and breadth of Ireland”, the fashion agency boss is arguably the closest thing Ireland has to Victoria Beckham (!) and she oozes glamour and aspiration at every possibly opportunity. What I love most about Celia is her constant championing of her beloved Limerick at every opportunity. Whether she is presenting a fashion segment or giving an interview, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether Celia is at a GAA match or on national television and if that doesn’t make an icon, what will? Flick to 3.50 in the below video to see Celia’s flawless rendition of Beyonce’s Single Ladies to get a hint of what one might expect if you were lucky enough to experience a night out in Limerick with her.

5. Lucy Kennedy


Up until her 2008 TV series, Livin’ With Lucy, I hadn’t realised how much fun Lucy Kennedy is. She is, quite simply, a scream. The TV show saw Lucy spending a week in the homes of Samantha Mumba, David Norris and Calum Best to name but a few. In one episode, as she was sitting with Calum Best and his friend, Lucy told the friend that “I wouldn’t touch him with yours”, when asked if she would consider Calum as a love interest. Her shits given are in minus figures and you can be sure that on a night out, she’d have your back and take nothing from no one about anything. The sass would be hunreal and I’d be lapping it up with Lucy.

6. & 7. Bláthanid Ní Chofaigh and Amanda Brunker

two iphones

These two come as a pair and with good reason. The early noughties were all about Paris and Nicole, but now it’s time for a new duo to take centre-stage. I’m christening them, BláthManda. Bláthnaid is perhaps best known for presenting the highly addictive, unfortunately now-defunct, Afternoon Show alongside Sheana Keane and Anna Nolan, but Bláth (can I call her that?) was always the star of the daily talk-show. Amanda is the Jacqueline of all trades and mistress of many. Journalist, author (of the dazzling Champagne trilogy), model, sometimes singer (!!!), Midday panellist and all-round sage of the Sunday World, Amanda’s CV is bulging. Along with Ireland’s most famous Gaelgoir (no shade to the Seoige sisters), Ní Chofaigh, it ensures BláthManda are a force to be reckoned with.As you can see from the picture, they enjoy a good night out and it would appear that Amanda is living the dream with two iPhones. Possibly starting a petition to get these gals to join some friends and myself for a bottle of Bombay and dance-off at a lowbrow venue of their choosing. A signature could save a life, folks.

Honourable mentions to Miriam O’Callaghan, Linda Martin, Mary from Crystal Swing and the Seoige sisters. XoXo.


Why You All Need To Follow Joan Collins On Twitter

Queen of the Glamazonian Rainforest, icon of glamour and of our time, and an undisputed gem of humanity en général, Joan Collins is the be-all and end-all. Period. The actress and author, perhaps most famous for her role as super-bitch, Alexis Carrington Colby in Dynasty, is one of the few remaining legends of Hollywood’s golden era.

The source of brilliant quotes, such as “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine”, Joan’s iconic glamour is matched only by her fiery wit, and her Twitter account, @JoanCollinsOBE is a treasure trove of Collins’ brilliance. Here are some of her best:

She remains flawlessly glamorous in the face of natural disasters:

Joan posted this meme of herself when her plane was struck by lightning and you just know that while other people were frantically panicking, Joan was the epitome of collected cool. You just know it.

Here’s another hilarious Tweet of Joan’s that is beyond aspirational, in which she and her sister, the equally gorgeous and divine author, Jackie Collins sip cocktails during an earthquake. Your faves could never and you know damn well they couldn’t.

She is the perfect juxtaposition of a grieving widow and a sexy señorita:

Joan arriving to your funeral and bringing you back to life through the medium of poignant glamour.

A portrait of Joan in the workplace:

Just like the rest of us, Joan goes through the daily grind to put bread on the table.

Joan is a constant source of virtual aspiration:

Encased amongst a mountainous collection of monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage, Joan’s life may be one of unattainable luxury but she makes you wanna work (bitch!) to get that LV!

Speaking of B.I.T.C.H.:

Y’all know I have a thing for iconic phone covers, but Joan trumps me with this baby. Kris Jenner, you may exit stage left because Joan is the Queen of F*cking Everything.

She looks fabulous in head-to-toe sequins:

Joan shines brighter than my future ever could in this exemplary ensemble.

She loves to party and would be THE BEST fun on a night out:

Angelica Huston, Joan and Jackie, shoulder pads, leopard print and a night on the cocktails. THE DREAM. Room for a little one, ladies?

And finally, Miley Cyrus has crafted her career around Joan Collins:

If Miley has a shred of decency in her over-exposed body, she will send Joan a cheque with backdated royalties.

Follow Joan for more delicious insights into her life: @JoanCollinsOBE!

Music, Showbiz

An Idealistic Imagining of Kimye’s Wedding

cover p Amidst reports that Kim and Kanye are set to spend $75k per head on their forthcoming Parisian nuptials, even if this claim is untrue, there’s no denying that the marriage of two of pop culture’s biggest egoists will be a less-than-subtle affair. And I love Kimye all the more for their unyielding dedication to tasteless excess.

With that in mind, and with not much more than too much time on my hands now that exams are finished, Niamh and I began fantasising about what a Kimye wedding might entail and we got carried away, to say the least. We’ve been Keeping Up With The Kardashians since its glorious inception and thus, priding ourselves on our worryingly-extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of  what is ostensibly the world’s most famous family, we came up with a list of possibilities that is so extreme and excessive that in the world of Kimye, it just might happen.

Despite Kimye’s best attempts to fashion a more high-end aesthetic these days, the dream Kimye wedding would be an unabashed cesspit of tackorama and to be quite honest, I won’t really be happy if it’s anything less! Here is The Dream Kimye Wedding from the Gospel According to Jamie and Niamh:

The Dress:


Lanvin? Balmain? McQueen? As if! Ideally, Kim would head straight to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’s Thelma Madine to create a one-off meringue of such gargantuan proportions, that Guinness World Records will make a petition to suggest it be recognised as a tenth planet. Clad in astronomical amounts of synthetic and highly flammable fibres, as Kim begins her walk up the unnecessarily long aisle, the venue descends into complete darkness and guests are advised to wear the specially provided sunglasses to avoid retina damage, as the bride enters. Illuminating the room with her freshly-sprayed skin that shines just on the right side of deep terracotta, Kim cuts a dazzling figure (literally) as her dress begins to gradually light up with neon lights that flash the message “Bound 2 U 4EVS”, which ends with a Photoshopped image of Kim and Kanye in the guise of William and Kate’s wedding picture that emanates from her Swarovski-encrusted bustier. Kanye weeps.

Kim walks up the aisle to Bound 2:

 bound 2

Well this just seems obvious, doesn’t it? This is Kim’s third wedding, so the virginal chimes of Here Comes The Bride were even a little too ironic for Kimye, so they settled on Kanye’s hit song dedicated to his then-fiancée. And with touching and moving lyrics such as “I want to f*ck you hard on the sink, after that get you something to drink, step back can’t get spunk on the mink”, the track seems wholly appropriate for the union between a woman who started her career on her back and a man who dedicates his life to rapping about it. Ah-ha, honey.

The resurrection of Kim’s kitten, Mercy Mercayyyyyyyyy as ring-bearer:


Remember in Season 3 of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami when Kanye gifted Kimberley with the adorable Mercy? Of course you do! Kim was devastated when she had to give Mercy away to Khloe’s assistant because of her allergies and even more distraught when Mercy passed away after four months on the earth. However, Kanye had a word with the Gods – Beyoncé and Jay Z, and they agreed to release the kitten back onto the earth for Mommy’s big day. However, North is furious and in an extreme bout of sibling envy, tries, unsuccessfully, to smother Mercy under Kim’s seemingly never-ending train.

The wedding will be officiated by a specially programmed hologram of Anna Wintour:

anna and kanye

Following Kimye’s gracing of US Vogue, the least the pair could do is pay homage to its editor-in-chief and what greater way to honour Anna Wintour than by hiring to program a special hologram of her to oversee the ceremony. Through the wonders of modern technology, Wintour will virtually unite Kim and Kanye in matrimony in a blessing that appropriately ends with “That’s all.”

Guests will be greeted with a complimentary shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk upon arrival at the reception:

In the same season of KKTM, viewers witnessed Kim use her sister’s breast-milk as a cure for her psoriasis and while Kourtney rudely refused to pump some milk to feed a thirsty Mercy, she has been much kinder for Kim’s big day. As guests arrive to the sprawling Parisian castle, waiting staff will offer a shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk, which she spent over six months extracting.

Kris’ special wedding speech:

dead right 

Momager and matriarch, Kris Jenner has had more than a guiding hand in her favourite daughter’s career so it seems appropriate that on her wedding day, Kris would trace the roots of Kim’s illustrious career. As the woman who famously said she was furious when she found out about Kim’s infamous sex tape, but as her manager, she realised she had a job to do, it seems fitting that Kris would begin her mother of the bride speech with a thank you to Ray J for catapulting her entire family to stardom. 

The Gift bag:

 kim k

A high point of Kimye’s wedding gift bag includes a voucher for a free arse lick from Kim’s shadow, Jonathan Cheban. In fairness, Jonathan is a PR powerhouse in his own right but he rose to prominence through his high-profile friendship with Kim Kardashian. Cheban can be seen in any given KUWTK episode schmoozing and sucking up to the Kardashian klan. Guests at Kimye’s nuptials can enjoy the same level of Chebanian sycophancy with this free arse lick, which is never-expiring as Jonathan is only all too happy to please. On the subject of arses, guests will also receive an autographed X-Ray of Kim’s much commented-on derrière to prove that it’s all real.

The Brawl:

khloe adopted

In a scene more befitting of an episode of Eastenders rather than the wedding of the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple (ugh, why, Anna?), the reception ends in carnage as Khloe Kardashian’s real father turns up.


Victoria Beckham’s Best Airport Catwalks

Victoria Beckham once Tweeted “The airport is my runway” and à mon avis, never has a truer word been virtually uttered. As promised, in the run-up to the designer’s 40th birthday, I am dedicating a series of posts to the darling doyenne of the fashion world and today’s blog is a look back at some of Victoria’s chicest airport outfits. From Inspector Gadget-type get-ups to full-on runway regalia, Victoria Beckham always looks immaculate as she is about to board a flight. Ever the canny marketer, Victoria knows that she is the best ambassador for her own label and never misses an opportunity to showcase her designs as she catwalks through LAX or Heathrow, dressed in in an eponymously-labelled creation, combined with towering heels, a steely pout and her trademark shades. What a woman.

Arriving at LAX for a London-bound flight, Victoria channelled Inspector Gadget. Perfectly, may I add!


Arriving in LA in 2007 to begin their new American life, Victoria starts as she means to go on, in figure-hugging Roland Mouret:


Victoria, roll up the Partition please! VB looks decidedly chauffeur-like at Heathrow, in her bold Balmain and in-your-face Birkin combo:


That time Victoria arrived at Heathrow as an Audrey Hepburn tribute act:


I am sorry, but how can you look like this in an airport? QUEEN!


That time she compromised and wore Lanvin flats to board a flight:


The one time Victoria got it wrong. Very, very wrong. At least she’s human:


She can do casual airport chic too, though:


But she’s at her best when she’s strutting through an airport with Harper:


Like, she really is:


I mean, come on!


But, yeah, keep walking towards greatness Victoria!


And when you find a piece that works, design it in multiple colours and show it off as you fly to Paris:


And why not wear it in a different colour as you arrive back in Heathrow from Paris Fashion Week?


Victoria saves the best for JFK, though:


Burberry beauty:


More the Big Orange, than the Big Apple! (Sorry)


Victoria mistaking Beijing Airport for a runway, but SLAYIN’:


Finally, fear not, because there was that one time in 2003, when Victoria’s ‘shits given’ level was in minus figures and this is what she wore to board a flight in Heathrow. (This was around the time VB was obsessed with making it as an edgy R ‘n’ B artist…)



Victoria Beckham’s Best Quotes


My adulation for Victoria Beckham is no secret and as the fashion designer turns 40 this week, I thought it appropriate to dedicate a series of blog posts to the lady herself. First up is a collection of some her best and most inspiring (?) quotes with the pop princess-turned-style maven offering pearls of wisdom on everything from child rearing to her husband’s famous package. Victoria may have left her days as a naughty Spice Girl behind her, but even as she approaches the big FOUR O, she proves that she is still the same cheeky Essex girl she always was, despite being clad head-to-toe in eponymous designer creations. 

Her expert knowledge of sport:

“I don’t know much about football, but I know what a goal is and surely that’s the main thing about football.”

Her teenage ambition:

“I want to be as famous as Persil Automatic.” ICONIC BEYOND WORDS.

On her infamous pout:

“I actually used to smile a lot in pictures. I think I only stopped smiling when I got into fashion. Fashion stole my smile.”

On Goldenballs’, erm, golden balls:

“He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe.” Jaysis, Victoria.

 That time she could have been mistaken for Socrates:

“Sometimes the easiest things are always the hardest.” P-R-O-F-O-U-N-D.

On self-representation:

“I don’t want to be seen smiling or eating, perish the thought!”

She isn’t afraid to poke fun at herself:

“They always say ‘David is so handsome and she’s so funny’, which basically means you’re a pig with a sense of humour.”

 She says things like this and I think she’s actually being serious:

“I can’t concentrate in flats.”

The notions on her when she brought Harper shopping when she was still a newborn baby:

“I brought Harper into Prada and she loved it. It was as if she was saying ‘Mummy, I’m home.’”

She actually does have a grip on reality, though:

“You have to remember that when you’re a performer you become a celebrity, but you are not saving lives. It’s not that important.”

Proving that she and David are the most perfect celebrity parents:

“My children bloody will work!” Same as myself, same as David. They’re not going to be kids who just hang about. I want them to be able to fulfil their passions, but I think it’s important that the children grow up and have respect for themselves.”

When she loves something:

“This is MAJOR!”

ANYTIME you ask her what her clothing line is about:

“It’s about empowering women.” EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

She now expresses the 90’s Girl Power zeitgeist of the Spice Girls with a more grown-up grasp on feminism:

“It is thought provoking how a man in charge can be described as commanding, but a woman in the same situation may be called bossy.”

The pros and cons of being a style icon:

“I love my heels, but I have to go to a sex shop to get this spray to polish them.”

She is kind to animals and paints her dog’s nails to make her feel glam:

“It is dog-friendly nail polish, before we even go there because I know that is an issue. She’s a bulldog and she needs all the help she can get. We try to feminize her a little bit and make her feel sexy.”

She has the same concerns as the rest of us:

“I’m getting really self-conscious that I’m starting to look like a miserable bitch.”

And finally, some solid life advice:

“If you haven’t got it, fake it!”

Never change, Victoria. EVER. Happy 40th Birthday, you perfect creature.