Showbiz, Television

Throwback Tuesday: 5 Outrageous Celebrity Weddings

1. David and Victoria Beckham

The impossibly-ostentatious thrones, the sprawling castle, the Slim Barrett crown placed on top of a dodgy and spikey hair-do and the lavish Vera Wang gown – it can only be the nuptials of pseudo-royals, David and Victoria Beckham. A fashion moment Victoria would undoubtedly rather forget, the then pop princess’ 1999 wedding in Dublin’s Luttrellstown Castle to soccer ace David Beckham is now the stuff of celebrity legend. Despite their infamous rocky patch circa ‘03/’04 with David’s alleged affair with his PA, Rebecca Loos, Posh ‘n’ Becks appear to be one of celeb land’s strongest and undoubtedly most powerful couples, and with thanks in no small part to Victoria’s successful career transition into a credible and talented fashion designer, the duo are an internationally successful brand. I bet with her newfound penchant for minimalist chic, Victoria cringes at how deliciously-OTT her wedding was, but we’ll never let her forget her past!

2. Jordan and Peter

Ostensibly the original Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, there have been few celebrity matrimonies quite as tragic and ill-fated as Katie Price’s and Peter Andre’s 2005 Barbie/Cinderella-themed extravganza in Highclere Castle. Katie’s bridesmaid, Michelle Heaton commented on how ‘perfect’ the wedding would be, saying “it’s not going towards the tacky side, but the glamorous and the fairytale side” and her hilariously and unintentionally ironic statement is nearly as bizarre as Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding being Katie’s other bridesmaid. From the Cinderella-esque horse and pink carriage right down to to Katie’s astronomical Swarovski-encrusted dress and Peter’s all-white ensemble, the wedding was a first-class lesson in tackorama. One word: NOTIONS. Unsurprisingly the marriage didn’t last and Peter and Katie are infamously bitter and public about their feelings towards each other.

3. Liza Minnelli and David Gest

The pairing of Hollywood legend Liza Minnelli and music producer (?) David Gest was a strange one, if ever there was one and their resplendent, but outrageously weird 2002 New York wedding was never going to be a quiet affair. If you thought Sarah Harding was a strange choice of bridesmaid for Katie Price, then the Minnelli-Gest party will truly astound you in all its eclectic hilarity. Liza had fellow Hollywood superstar, the late Elizabeth Taylor as her maid of honour and David had Michael Jackson as his best man, but bizarrely and hilariously included in Liza’s 16-strong bridesmaid line-up was Martine McCuthceon, of Eastenders (and later Love Actually) fame, who is now recognised as everyone’s favourite face of a certain probiotic yoghurt brand. The wedding was a Fifth Avenue affair with over 500 guests, including everyone from Anthony Hopkins to Mel C, with reportedly $700,000 spent on flowers alone. However, marriage wasn’t exactly “a cabaret, old chum” for this particular duo, as they divorced a year later.

4. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander

I know, I know – predictable, etc. but an outrageous celebrity wedding line-up would be tragically incomplete without Britney’s car-crash 2004 shotgun Vegas union with childhood friend, Jason Alexander. Legend has it that it was apparently after watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (how fitting!) that Spears and Alexander felt compelled to do something wildly romantic and tie the knot in Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel. Dressed in ripped jeans and what can only be described as some sort of makeshift belly-top and baseball cap, one of the shortest weddings in celebrity history was annulled after only 55 hours of marital bliss. Ah, poor Britney was clearly MAD-OU-OF-IH, so we can’t judge her and she did go on to have a few years of happiness with K-Fed, but all I can say is ‘IT-SHOULD-HAVE-BEEN-JUSTIN-GODDMAIT.’

5. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

Oh, where to start?! An exclusive magazine deal was clearly too run-of-the-mill for reality TV queen, Kim Kardashian, so guided by her ferociously ambitious momager, Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian’s 2011 marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries was turned into a 4-hour, 2-part E! special with was a lesson in crass ostentation and mindless spendthrift capitalism. This marriage was all money, money, money and the Kardashian klan reportedly pocketed $18 million from the nuptials. You’ve got to hand it to her, Kim did look stunning in her three custom-made Vera Wang gowns but the wedding was almost an unknowingly updated version of Jordan and Peter’s car crash big day. In saying that, I’d have died and gone to heaven were I on the guest list because the Kardashians can throw a party, and then some! However, the wedding was more of a business transaction than an emotional investment, so it was hardly shocking to see Kim and Kris announce their separation after only 72 days of marriage. I can’t imagine Kim’s forthcoming marriage to the egomaniacal Kanye West will be a much more subtle affair than her doomed 2011 espousal.

…And some final Tuesday Triva

If you thought Britney’s and Kim’s ill-fated marriages were short, then these two are only trailing behind old Hollywood legends, Zza Gabor and Rudolph Valentino. While the logistics around the legalities of both marriages are hazy, Zza married Felipe de Alba on a ship and divorced him later that day, while Valentino divorced Jean Acker after only 6 hours of marriage, when she refused to let him into their honeymoon suite, only 20 minutes after tying the knot. Ouch!

Standard
Showbiz, Television

Which Kardashian are you?

image

Jamie Tuohy

Kris

kris

You’re the ruthless moneymaker and you’ll do practically anything to get to the top, even if it means pimping out your nearest and dearest! Your natural business brain means you know a good opportunity when it comes knocking and more importantly, you know how to exploit it to your own advantage. You’re a charismatic, social and intuitive person but all that is closely followed by a strong lust for attention and money.

Kim

kim

You’re the spoiled, bread-winning, family favourite. Everyone loves you, but not nearly as much as you love yourself. Like Kris, you have a good business brain, but you, at least on the surface, seem more family-orientated and ultimately you follow your heart. You’re a hopeless romantic and act impulsively and this is probably your downfall.

Kourtney

kourt

You’re the smart one in the family. You’re the person who doesn’t take any bullshit and family always comes first. When it comes to your career, unlike Kim and Kris, you don’t act totally out of self interest and your business acumen and natural ability is more impressive than theirs, but often gets overshadowed. You’re a leader but your no-nonsense approach can seem cold at times.

Khloe

khloe

You’re probably the most genuine person in your family. You’re certainly the most talented and because you always say what’s on your mind, people respect you all the more for it. You’re not always the most confident person but you should be, because you’re a natural people person. You’re funny and caring in equal measure and your personality is one of your best traits.

Kendall and Kyle (obviously if you’re one, you’re also the other and the same story as Kris applies – Jenner etc.)

kk

On the surface, you’re seen as a bubblegum, pampered princess, but people need to realise that you mean business! You may be young and shy, but it’s endearing. Like all the other sisters, you have inherited a propensity to sift out a good business opportunity, but you’re more concerned with living your life one step at a time. You strike a good balance between work and pleasure!

Rob and Bruce

rob

Let’s face it, you don’t want to be Rob or Bruce!

Standard
Showbiz, Television

Another reason why I adore Nigella Lawson

After a mini-sabbatical from blogging, the one and only Nigella Lawson guided me back into the blogosphere by flouncing her perfection over my life and generally elevating my obsession to insanely stratospheric levels.

As many of you will know, my love for the Queen of Food Porn has been much commented on and prophesised, but when I read of Nigella’s latest antics, I couldn’t help but share my gushing with you guys. TASTEPOSTER-witter

The 53-year-old self-styled Domestic Goddess is one of four judges on a new ABC cooking reality TV-show called “The Taste” and she has already garnered headlines for refusing to let the network airbrush images of her stomach for their promotional shots.

Writing on her blog, Kitchen Witter, the TV presenter and food writer commented on the issue, saying,

Although it was very thrilling to think of being up on a billboard in LA and around the States, I was very strict and English and told them they weren’t allowed to airbrush my tummy out. Wise? Hmmm. But that tum is the truth and is come by honestly, as my granny would have said.

This just reaffirms my love for this glorious woman. In an industry consumed with unrealistic and often unhealthy portrayals of a warped image of perfection, Nigella is a tour-de-force of self-confidence and a keen promoter of a positive self-image.

wow nigellaEvery day we are showered with Photoshopped and altered images of women looking like a bastardised ideal rather than a human being. Nigella’s acceptance of her “tum” isn’t just a stance against this debauched image of beauty, but more importantly it’s an expression of her antipathy towards such falsity and a recognition of what’s important – self-belief and comfort in one’s own skin.

As always Nigella, I love you and look forward to “The Taste.”

Standard
Reviews, Showbiz, Television

Review: Mr Selfridge | Jamie Tuohy

mr self

It is already being hailed as the new Downton Abbey, but ITV’s new costume drama, Mr Selfridge hasn’t quite reached such levels yet. As the show tells the story of Harry Gordon Selfridge, the founder of retail giant Selfridges, the first episode which was screened last night felt more like a pilot episode or a prologue in anticipation of the main action. The cast is strong and the storyline is good, but superlative exclamations of praise are being reserved until the series plays out.

A lavish costume drama with a good-looking cast has proved very successful for ITV, so it’s not surprising that critics are already predicting Mr Selfridge to replace Downton as ITV’s new flagship prime-time drama. Written by Andrew Davies and starring Jeremy Piven as the titular character, the first episode served as a nice prelude for what is to come. The fast pace of the first episode means that there is a lot of drama to be expanded upon in the coming weeks, most notably Harry’s relationship with his wife and his hinted-at affection for other women. It will be interesting to see how Katherine Kelly’s character, the socialite and financier Lady Mae’s character expects recompense for her investment. Likewise, the “essence” of Selfridges – show-girl Ellen Love, played by Zoe Tapper proved herself to be a coquettish, yet likeable go-getter whose advances towards Harry were less than subtle. Expect fireworks and most likely, lots of sex.

shopping

Piven plays Selfridge excellently. As the man who wanted to make shopping a thrilling experience, Piven’s Selfridge is brilliantly extravagant and theatrical, but never over-done. He brings the unending American ambition that will undoubtedly come to be his hamartia as well as his most endearing attribute. It’s clear that the “spectacle” and the show is just as important, and maybe more so than the more pragmatic side to running a business and Piven plays Selfridge as a charismatic and bursting-to-succeed entrepreneur. You get the sense that he is about to be mischievous and perhaps unfaithful to his wife, but because of Piven’s portrayal, you want to love him.

Katherine Kelly shone as the temptress Lady Mae and proving she has come a long way from the cobbles of Coronation Street as Becky Granger, she may well be Mr Selfridge’s answer to Maggie Smith’s Violet Crawley. Mr Selfridge definitely has both style and substance and let’s hope the former doesn’t overshadow the latter as the series progresses. We wait with high hopes.

Standard
Music, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

What I expect from Baby Kimye | Jamie Tuohy

Image

The announcement that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian are with child is a momentous occasion in the history of celebrity culture. Not since Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to an Apple has there been so much fuss about a celebrity offspring. Baby Kimye’s arrival will make Harper Beckham’s birth look like a stable delivery, as the Kardashian Klan will almost certainly treat this pregnancy with Messianic expectation. Therefore, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I decided to take a look at what life might have in store for Baby Kimye (which, in case you haven’t copped by now, is thoroughly and wholeheartedly in jest).

Kimberly Ⅱ

Kimberly Ⅱ

THE BABY SHOWER

A televised event, naturally. Baby Kimye will have the baby shower to end all baby showers. Kris will take charge of this, taking Kimye’s predilection for leather into account, incorporating whips, chains and all things bondage into proceedings, paying subtle homage to her daughter’s initiation into the world of celebrity. Sexual, but understated – there are kids around after all. Gifts will include some holistic birthing aids from Kourtney and Scott, Khloe and Lamar will offer themselves as godparents and Kendall and Kylie will make a ‘totally fab’ video to be shown to Baby Kimye when he/she is older. Jay  Z will make an appearance out of respect for his best mate Kanye, but Beyoncé will be washing her weave that day. However, Kelly Rowland will do her best Bey impression and serenade Kim’s tummy with Destiny’s Child classics. Paris Hilton will turn up with some personalised “That’s Hot” baby gifts, but will be refused entry. Poor mite.

THE BIRTH

A paradox – dramatic, yet monotonous. A 2 part E! Special will be dedicated to the event, detailing the moment Kim’s waters break in Baby Gap right through to the moment Kendall films the arrival of Baby Kimye. The hospital room which is filled with the Kardashians and the Wests will erupt into simultaneous shrieking and rapping and as Kim gets her make-up touched up, she will look into Baby Kimye’s eyes and with a hint of emotion, she will smile and declare “how fab!”

THE NAME

The cynic inside me wonders whether Kim got with Kanye simply to continue her family’s frenetic exercise in alliteration. Never has there been a family as dedicated to the letter K as the Kardashian Klan. As Kim is the main breadwinner, one can only hope that Baby Kimye, be it a boy or girl will have a name beginning with the Kardashian’s favourite letter, thus continuing the familial brand. Regardless of gender, I’m feeling something with a hint of white-trash. Something that will look good in lights – possible suggestions include, Kacey, Kassandra, Krystal, Kaden, Kalisha, Kalina, Kalysta, Koko, Kandi, Kassy, Kegan, Kole, Konrad, Kingston, Kipling, Kameron., Kanye 2.0 and KimberlyⅡ.

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

Baby Kimye will celebrate his or her first birthday on stage with daddy Kanye and mummy Kim, who will roll out a 10-tier birthday cake to rapturous applause from the arena. Wearing diamond-encrusted ear-muffs and a D&G suit, Baby Kimye will smile for the world’s media and Blue Ivy will strut onto stage to give her best mate a birthday hug. Beyoncé will observe from the wings, having previously instructed baby Blue to walk onto the stage, give the hug and then get off as soon as possible. Baby Blue will stay longer than anticipated, as Kim picks her up in her arms and holds her up to the crowd, because Kim is wearing fur, so she thinks it will be ‘like a super cute Lion King moment.’ Beyoncé will cringe backstage and a part of her may well possibly die.

BABY KIMYE’S FIRST REALITY TV SHOW

Just as Will and Kate’s son will be the most famous royal child, superseding all of the Queen’s other great-grandchildren, Baby Kimye will similarly overshadow young Mason and Penelope Scotland to become the most ubiquitous of Kris’ grandchildren. After making numerous appearances since birth in mummy’s reality TV show, E! executives will decide it’s time to give the then 8-year-old Kimye child his or her first reality TV show which will detail his or her ambitions to become the next Willow Smith, as they try to carve out a career as a rapper. Kanye will advise and there will be a number of special-guest appearances from other well-known celeb offspring. Harper Beckham will stroll in to advise Child Kimye on how to create a totally awesome clothing line for super funky kids. However, Harper will disapprove of Child Kimye’s excessive use of leopard print and sequins in the collection, storming out of the playhouse, as Child Kimye repeatedly refuses her protestations to adopt a more minimalist approach. The first single, with guest vocals from Blue Ivy will mark the beginning of Child Kimye’s path to rebellion, as he/she entitles the single Superstar, unaware of a video his/her mother made some years before he/she entered the world, with the same unfortunate title.

THE TEENAGE YEARS

While Mason and Penelope will have benefited from their boarding-school education in the Hamptons, Kim and Kanye will have home-schooled Teenage Kimye, teaching a variety of necessitous Kardashian/West modules, including “How to live a totally fab life” (Kim’s favourite) and “How to pull off double leather with gold chains”, taught by daddy Kanye. Nicki Minaj will guest lecture with the essential “How not to be a basic bitch” course and at the age of eighteen, Teenage Kimye will turn down a place at UCLA to study Twitter and decide to go it alone in the real world instead. Teenage Girl Kimye will have a brief, but much-documented liaison with any given member of One Direction, after following Kim’s advice to date an older guy. Teenage Boy Kimye will similarly hook up with Rebecca Black, on what will undoubtedly be a dark day for the family. To make it worse, the story will break on a Friday. Kanye will start to worry about his offspring’s street-cred.

kanye and kim

THE FIRST MARRIAGE

Having decided it’s time to settle down at the ripe old age of 22, Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱwill get married in a lavish affair on Brooklyn Beckham’s yacht in the Seychelles. The dress code will strictly read ‘real classy, yet sexy. Animal print essential.’ The guests will closely resemble an equatorial rainforest and Mummy and Daddy Kimye will sort it out with the then President Oprah to declare the wedding a national holiday and it will be beamed into billions of television screens across the world. The marriage will appropriately last 72 days. The cycle shall begin again until the now divorced Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱ meets his/her prince/princess and begins to produce Kimye Version 3.

Standard
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Reviews, Showbiz, Television

My favourite things from 2012 | Jamie Tuohy

As 2012 draws to an end, I felt it was appropriate to round up the year with a look at some of my favourite things from the last 12 months. An exercise in self-indulgence, if truth be told. (The only exercise I ever do).

MY FAVOURITE PERSON

CHEZBOMB

Was there ever a doubt? It has to be Cheryl. After meeting her, could it be anyone else? Like a pint-sized Aphrodite with her adorable dimples and flowing, tousled brown locks, Cheryl was a vision to behold when I met her back in October. The obsession will never die. 2012 was a great year for Cheryl, with her first solo arena tour, the release of her third album and autobiography and of course, the much-anticipated reunion with Girls Aloud. All hail Queen Cheryl.

MY FAVOURITE SONG

call my name CO

Call My Name by Cheryl. Obviously. After a short sabbatical, Cheryl returned with her impossibly-catchy, fist-pumping collaboration with Calvin Harris which resulted in Call My Name becoming No. 1.

MY FAVOURITE BOOK

the dinner

The Dinner by Herman Koch. The plotline is easily explained. Two couples meet in an Amsterdam restaurant and skirt around the fact that their sons have committed a grievous crime. The book details each course and as the evening progresses, the barriers break down and it’s revealed each couple isn’t as different as the guilty son they are trying to protect. Paul and Serge Lohman, together with their respective wives Claire and Babette must confront their own consciences in this beguiling tale of biased morality and personal loyalty.

MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW

REVENGE

Without a doubt, it has to be Revenge. Emily Thorne’s quest for filial vengeance against the Graysons is set in the Hamptons and makes for fascinating and unpredictable drama. Mike Kelley has created one of the best shows in years and the retributive offerings and antics of Emily Thorne was most certainly a 2012 TV highlight.

MY FAVOURITE MOVIE

wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. A coming-of-age drama about an awkward teenager who struggles with self-confidence before finally being accepted into an eccentric circle of friends sounds like a typically clichéd teenage movie. However, The Perks of Being a Wallflower far exceeds its general outline, just as its central character’s timorous disposition transcends the realms of everyday teenage angst. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is the movie adaptation of Stephen Chbosky’s first novel of the same name and while I initially went to see the movie solely to see how Emma Watson was ‘coming along’ since Harry Potter, the flick co-starring Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller became my favourite film of the year. Check out my review here.

MY FAVOURITE TWEETER

IRISH

@irishmammies – every time. Colm O’Regan is the genius behind this motherly account which relays all the hilarious witticisms of the Irish Mammy everyone loves. From sayings like “will you have it in bowl or a wafer?” and “there’s a fierce draught”, @irishmammies has become my favourite Twitter account, offering a sense of familiarity and hilarity in the vast cyber sphere. The book it has spawned Isn’t it well for ye? The Book  of Irish Mammies is also well worth the read.

MY FAVOURITE GADGET

MY IPAD

I got an iPad as a Christmas present and it has swiftly become my favourite gadget. LIKE, EVER. I can see why it is Oprah’s all-time favourite invention. I can’t fathom how I lived without it. Je l’adore.

MY FAVOURITE PURCHASE

mass jump

There have been a few, but this Massimo Dutti jumper comes out on top. A gorgeous blend of wool and cashmere, I’m treasuring it forever, and wearing it incessantly. Sorry to all the aviator jackets that didn’t make the cut – especially to my denim one, you little beaut.

MY FAVOURITE QUOTE

jimism 1

Beating Macbeth, is my housemate Jim Murphy, with his hilarious aphorisms. On seeing hot French people in a queue for a club, Jim noted,

“I LOVE French people. These French rides were like “bonjour” and I was like “BON-FUCKING-JOUR!” (Please note, this is most effective when said in a strong Cork accent. Sheer brilliance!)

For more of these hilarious one liners, check out the Facebook page dedicated to all of the Jimisms here. Give it a live – you really won’t regret it.

MY FAVOURITE IRISH CELEBRITY

rosanna

Rosanna Davison. 2012 was definitely Rosanna’s year and she got the nation talking back in September by becoming the first Irishwoman to pose on the cover of German Playboy. The sizzling shoot undoubtedly earned Rosanna a whole new army of fans, but equally the cynics were out in force. What’s so admirable about Rosanna is the way she handled the whole situation – proving herself to be an intelligent and articulate woman who is in control of her own career. Rosanna showed how the shoot was about female empowerment as much as it was about looking gorgeous. 2013 is looking bright!

MY FAVOURITE SURPRISE

GHETTO BABY

Cheryl really treated me in 2012. When she released the raunchy new video for the Lana Del Rey-penned track Ghetto Baby it made her soldiers’ Christmas. Nobody expected it and it was a welcomed treat. Plus it’s her steamiest and hottest one yet, with lots of Trezza action. Watch it here.

Standard
Showbiz, Television

Kris Jenner slams divorce claims as she plans fashion empire | Jamie Tuohy

Image

You’ve all heard the rumous – Bruce Jenner was apparently consulting divorce lawyers, as he prepared for what would undoubtedly be one of the most high-profile divorces in celeb history. However his wife of 21 years and original momager, Kris Jenner has finally spoken out and quashed the claims.

Earlier in the week, The National Enquirer published a story which suggested that Bruce was sick of Kris’ flirting with younger men and was ready to call it quits on their marriage.

The tabloid magazine reported that Bruce had been discussing the divorce with his golfing buddies  and enquired about custody arrangements for the couple’s two youngest daughters, Kendall and Kylie, who are 17 and 15 respectively.

Image

The magazine said,

“Bruce feels that Kris treats him like a doormat, and he’s had enough.

“She constantly belittles his appearance and complains to mutual friends that he’s a boring old fart.

“Then she has the gall to flaunt her relationships with younger guys in his face!”

However, Kris finally spoke to Entertainment tonight and addressed the rumours head-on, dismissing them as crazy.

“I called [Bruce] this morning and said, ”Honey, I think we’re getting a divorce.” We were laughing.

“He goes, ”I’m at the hobby shop, can you leave me alone with this cr**?” It was very funny.

“It’s the craziest stuff. We’ve been dealing with this weekly for the last couple of years.

“You just have to take it in stride. Life is so good right now. We can laugh about it. We’re strong. We’ve been such a tight-knit family for so long. To keep addressing [the rumours] every single time just gets old.”

While the brand couple may not be planning a divorce, one thing Kris is planning is to expand her empire with a teenage clothing line.

She has already helped Kim, Kourtney and Khloe to become the most famous sisters on the planet, and now Kris is turning her attentions towards Kendall and Kylie, in a bid to make them fashion moguls within the next three years.

“Kendall and Kylie” has been registered as a trademark and the teen clothing line will launch in February 2013.

A source told RadarOnline, “Kris has big plans for Kendall and Kylie. They will concentrate specifically on the teenage market and rival Jessica Simpson’s fashion brand and produce many different things. Kris wants them to own the fashion, jewellery and cosmetic industries and wants Kendall and Kylie to put their names to various products. Kendall and Kyle have both been trademarked, so the ball is already rolling.”

A momager’s work is never done, eh?

Standard