Music, Showbiz

An Idealistic Imagining of Kimye’s Wedding

cover p Amidst reports that Kim and Kanye are set to spend $75k per head on their forthcoming Parisian nuptials, even if this claim is untrue, there’s no denying that the marriage of two of pop culture’s biggest egoists will be a less-than-subtle affair. And I love Kimye all the more for their unyielding dedication to tasteless excess.

With that in mind, and with not much more than too much time on my hands now that exams are finished, Niamh and I began fantasising about what a Kimye wedding might entail and we got carried away, to say the least. We’ve been Keeping Up With The Kardashians since its glorious inception and thus, priding ourselves on our worryingly-extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of  what is ostensibly the world’s most famous family, we came up with a list of possibilities that is so extreme and excessive that in the world of Kimye, it just might happen.

Despite Kimye’s best attempts to fashion a more high-end aesthetic these days, the dream Kimye wedding would be an unabashed cesspit of tackorama and to be quite honest, I won’t really be happy if it’s anything less! Here is The Dream Kimye Wedding from the Gospel According to Jamie and Niamh:

The Dress:

 thelma

Lanvin? Balmain? McQueen? As if! Ideally, Kim would head straight to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’s Thelma Madine to create a one-off meringue of such gargantuan proportions, that Guinness World Records will make a petition to suggest it be recognised as a tenth planet. Clad in astronomical amounts of synthetic and highly flammable fibres, as Kim begins her walk up the unnecessarily long aisle, the venue descends into complete darkness and guests are advised to wear the specially provided sunglasses to avoid retina damage, as the bride enters. Illuminating the room with her freshly-sprayed skin that shines just on the right side of deep terracotta, Kim cuts a dazzling figure (literally) as her dress begins to gradually light up with neon lights that flash the message “Bound 2 U 4EVS”, which ends with a Photoshopped image of Kim and Kanye in the guise of William and Kate’s wedding picture that emanates from her Swarovski-encrusted bustier. Kanye weeps.

Kim walks up the aisle to Bound 2:

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Well this just seems obvious, doesn’t it? This is Kim’s third wedding, so the virginal chimes of Here Comes The Bride were even a little too ironic for Kimye, so they settled on Kanye’s hit song dedicated to his then-fiancée. And with touching and moving lyrics such as “I want to f*ck you hard on the sink, after that get you something to drink, step back can’t get spunk on the mink”, the track seems wholly appropriate for the union between a woman who started her career on her back and a man who dedicates his life to rapping about it. Ah-ha, honey.

The resurrection of Kim’s kitten, Mercy Mercayyyyyyyyy as ring-bearer:

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Remember in Season 3 of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami when Kanye gifted Kimberley with the adorable Mercy? Of course you do! Kim was devastated when she had to give Mercy away to Khloe’s assistant because of her allergies and even more distraught when Mercy passed away after four months on the earth. However, Kanye had a word with the Gods – Beyoncé and Jay Z, and they agreed to release the kitten back onto the earth for Mommy’s big day. However, North is furious and in an extreme bout of sibling envy, tries, unsuccessfully, to smother Mercy under Kim’s seemingly never-ending train.

The wedding will be officiated by a specially programmed hologram of Anna Wintour:

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Following Kimye’s gracing of US Vogue, the least the pair could do is pay homage to its editor-in-chief and what greater way to honour Anna Wintour than by hiring will.i.am to program a special hologram of her to oversee the ceremony. Through the wonders of modern technology, Wintour will virtually unite Kim and Kanye in matrimony in a blessing that appropriately ends with “That’s all.”

Guests will be greeted with a complimentary shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk upon arrival at the reception:

In the same season of KKTM, viewers witnessed Kim use her sister’s breast-milk as a cure for her psoriasis and while Kourtney rudely refused to pump some milk to feed a thirsty Mercy, she has been much kinder for Kim’s big day. As guests arrive to the sprawling Parisian castle, waiting staff will offer a shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk, which she spent over six months extracting.

Kris’ special wedding speech:

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Momager and matriarch, Kris Jenner has had more than a guiding hand in her favourite daughter’s career so it seems appropriate that on her wedding day, Kris would trace the roots of Kim’s illustrious career. As the woman who famously said she was furious when she found out about Kim’s infamous sex tape, but as her manager, she realised she had a job to do, it seems fitting that Kris would begin her mother of the bride speech with a thank you to Ray J for catapulting her entire family to stardom. 

The Gift bag:

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A high point of Kimye’s wedding gift bag includes a voucher for a free arse lick from Kim’s shadow, Jonathan Cheban. In fairness, Jonathan is a PR powerhouse in his own right but he rose to prominence through his high-profile friendship with Kim Kardashian. Cheban can be seen in any given KUWTK episode schmoozing and sucking up to the Kardashian klan. Guests at Kimye’s nuptials can enjoy the same level of Chebanian sycophancy with this free arse lick, which is never-expiring as Jonathan is only all too happy to please. On the subject of arses, guests will also receive an autographed X-Ray of Kim’s much commented-on derrière to prove that it’s all real.

The Brawl:

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In a scene more befitting of an episode of Eastenders rather than the wedding of the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple (ugh, why, Anna?), the reception ends in carnage as Khloe Kardashian’s real father turns up.

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Music, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

What I expect from Baby Kimye | Jamie Tuohy

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The announcement that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian are with child is a momentous occasion in the history of celebrity culture. Not since Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to an Apple has there been so much fuss about a celebrity offspring. Baby Kimye’s arrival will make Harper Beckham’s birth look like a stable delivery, as the Kardashian Klan will almost certainly treat this pregnancy with Messianic expectation. Therefore, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I decided to take a look at what life might have in store for Baby Kimye (which, in case you haven’t copped by now, is thoroughly and wholeheartedly in jest).

Kimberly Ⅱ

Kimberly Ⅱ

THE BABY SHOWER

A televised event, naturally. Baby Kimye will have the baby shower to end all baby showers. Kris will take charge of this, taking Kimye’s predilection for leather into account, incorporating whips, chains and all things bondage into proceedings, paying subtle homage to her daughter’s initiation into the world of celebrity. Sexual, but understated – there are kids around after all. Gifts will include some holistic birthing aids from Kourtney and Scott, Khloe and Lamar will offer themselves as godparents and Kendall and Kylie will make a ‘totally fab’ video to be shown to Baby Kimye when he/she is older. Jay  Z will make an appearance out of respect for his best mate Kanye, but Beyoncé will be washing her weave that day. However, Kelly Rowland will do her best Bey impression and serenade Kim’s tummy with Destiny’s Child classics. Paris Hilton will turn up with some personalised “That’s Hot” baby gifts, but will be refused entry. Poor mite.

THE BIRTH

A paradox – dramatic, yet monotonous. A 2 part E! Special will be dedicated to the event, detailing the moment Kim’s waters break in Baby Gap right through to the moment Kendall films the arrival of Baby Kimye. The hospital room which is filled with the Kardashians and the Wests will erupt into simultaneous shrieking and rapping and as Kim gets her make-up touched up, she will look into Baby Kimye’s eyes and with a hint of emotion, she will smile and declare “how fab!”

THE NAME

The cynic inside me wonders whether Kim got with Kanye simply to continue her family’s frenetic exercise in alliteration. Never has there been a family as dedicated to the letter K as the Kardashian Klan. As Kim is the main breadwinner, one can only hope that Baby Kimye, be it a boy or girl will have a name beginning with the Kardashian’s favourite letter, thus continuing the familial brand. Regardless of gender, I’m feeling something with a hint of white-trash. Something that will look good in lights – possible suggestions include, Kacey, Kassandra, Krystal, Kaden, Kalisha, Kalina, Kalysta, Koko, Kandi, Kassy, Kegan, Kole, Konrad, Kingston, Kipling, Kameron., Kanye 2.0 and KimberlyⅡ.

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

Baby Kimye will celebrate his or her first birthday on stage with daddy Kanye and mummy Kim, who will roll out a 10-tier birthday cake to rapturous applause from the arena. Wearing diamond-encrusted ear-muffs and a D&G suit, Baby Kimye will smile for the world’s media and Blue Ivy will strut onto stage to give her best mate a birthday hug. Beyoncé will observe from the wings, having previously instructed baby Blue to walk onto the stage, give the hug and then get off as soon as possible. Baby Blue will stay longer than anticipated, as Kim picks her up in her arms and holds her up to the crowd, because Kim is wearing fur, so she thinks it will be ‘like a super cute Lion King moment.’ Beyoncé will cringe backstage and a part of her may well possibly die.

BABY KIMYE’S FIRST REALITY TV SHOW

Just as Will and Kate’s son will be the most famous royal child, superseding all of the Queen’s other great-grandchildren, Baby Kimye will similarly overshadow young Mason and Penelope Scotland to become the most ubiquitous of Kris’ grandchildren. After making numerous appearances since birth in mummy’s reality TV show, E! executives will decide it’s time to give the then 8-year-old Kimye child his or her first reality TV show which will detail his or her ambitions to become the next Willow Smith, as they try to carve out a career as a rapper. Kanye will advise and there will be a number of special-guest appearances from other well-known celeb offspring. Harper Beckham will stroll in to advise Child Kimye on how to create a totally awesome clothing line for super funky kids. However, Harper will disapprove of Child Kimye’s excessive use of leopard print and sequins in the collection, storming out of the playhouse, as Child Kimye repeatedly refuses her protestations to adopt a more minimalist approach. The first single, with guest vocals from Blue Ivy will mark the beginning of Child Kimye’s path to rebellion, as he/she entitles the single Superstar, unaware of a video his/her mother made some years before he/she entered the world, with the same unfortunate title.

THE TEENAGE YEARS

While Mason and Penelope will have benefited from their boarding-school education in the Hamptons, Kim and Kanye will have home-schooled Teenage Kimye, teaching a variety of necessitous Kardashian/West modules, including “How to live a totally fab life” (Kim’s favourite) and “How to pull off double leather with gold chains”, taught by daddy Kanye. Nicki Minaj will guest lecture with the essential “How not to be a basic bitch” course and at the age of eighteen, Teenage Kimye will turn down a place at UCLA to study Twitter and decide to go it alone in the real world instead. Teenage Girl Kimye will have a brief, but much-documented liaison with any given member of One Direction, after following Kim’s advice to date an older guy. Teenage Boy Kimye will similarly hook up with Rebecca Black, on what will undoubtedly be a dark day for the family. To make it worse, the story will break on a Friday. Kanye will start to worry about his offspring’s street-cred.

kanye and kim

THE FIRST MARRIAGE

Having decided it’s time to settle down at the ripe old age of 22, Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱwill get married in a lavish affair on Brooklyn Beckham’s yacht in the Seychelles. The dress code will strictly read ‘real classy, yet sexy. Animal print essential.’ The guests will closely resemble an equatorial rainforest and Mummy and Daddy Kimye will sort it out with the then President Oprah to declare the wedding a national holiday and it will be beamed into billions of television screens across the world. The marriage will appropriately last 72 days. The cycle shall begin again until the now divorced Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱ meets his/her prince/princess and begins to produce Kimye Version 3.

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kim and cheryl
Music, Showbiz, Television

Kim Kardashian reveals her love for Cheryl Cole | Jamie Tuohy

Cheryl Cole certainly isn’t short of celebrity admirers, with Rihanna, Tom Daley and Olly Murs expressing their love for the Under the Sun singer, so it doesn’t come as much of a surprise to hear that a certain Hollywood reality TV star has professed their amour for Chezza.

Kim Kardashian has confessed that she is a massive fan of the Geordie songstress, and after spotting her in an LA gym, gushed about how beautiful the 29-year-old singer is.

Speaking in a recent interview, the media-powerhouse said of the Girls Aloud Star,

“I think she’s so beautiful. I saw her at the gym once with no make-up on and she was just as gorgeous, if not more, looking natural.”

Kim’s beau, rapper Kanye West has previously stated that he thinks Cheryl has what it takes to “take on the world.”

However, with Cheryl reportedly loved-up with new boyfriend Tre Holloway, I can’t see her making a visit to chez Kardashian anytime soon!

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kanye
Music, Showbiz, Television

Kanye West Set For American Idol? | Jamie Tuohy

Kanye West is in talks with American Idol producers to become a judge on the TV talent show.

It has been reported that Kim Kardashian’s new beau is the latest name to be thrown into the mix as a possible replacement for either Steve Tyler or Jennifer Lopez, following Mariah Carey’s appointment as the newest Idol judge.

However, West is said to be ambivalent about accepting the position and if he did, he would demand a salary exceeding Mariah’s $18m pay package, or at the very least would expect that to be matched. (Give me patience).

If Kanye does join the panel, he will be taking his seat alongside Mariah and possibly fellow rapper Nicki Minaj, who is believed to be close to negotiating a deal with the show’s producers.

Randy Jackson, the only original judge on the panel, will be moving to a mentor role this season and it has been widely speculated that Idol will have four judges this season, with Alanis Morrisette, Nick Jonas, Keith Urban, Brad Paisley and Enrique Iglesias all in the running for a judging role.

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Reviews, Showbiz

Kim Kardashian Covers New York Magazine | Jamie Tuohy

Kim Kardashian instantly splits opinion – you either admire her media-savvy, entrepreneurial spirit, or you despise her capitalistic and opportunistic disposition. She has certainly caused controversy in the fashion world, but New York magazine had no qualms about putting the media savant on the cover of their fall issue.

The interview itself is nothing particularly mind-blowing or revealing. It talks a little bit about Kim’s rise to tabloid dominance and interjects with some Kanye anecdotes, but Benjamin Wallace, who conducted the interview, could have dug a lot deeper.

It mainly focuses on Kim’s struggle to be accepted in the fashion world. Yes, to teenage girls all around the world, she is hailed as a fashion icon and her clothing brand is hugely successful, but her sexualised image is something which is frowned upon within high-fashion.

Various designers have expressed their dislike for the media mogul. Ralph Rucci said to dress Kim, would be to bastardise oneself, but on the other hand Marc Jacobs is a Kardashian fan.

The piece drifts between this predicament and Kim’s fledgling romance with rapper Kanye West, who has apparently been responsible for Kim’s front-row presence at shows such as Paris Couture.

It’s a lengthy article and reads more like a Wikipedia article which has been sprinkled with some Kandy Koloured Kardashian branding. All I’m saying is, I would have strived to get something a little more exclusive than when Kanye and Kim are 80, they’ll have “things to talk about.”

When they’re 80? Remember that 72-day thing? Well, Kim Kardashian is nothing, if not ambitious! Check out all the pics:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Music, Showbiz, Television

Are Kim and Kanye Set to Marry? – Jamie Tuohy

According to reports Kanye West is gearing up to ask girlfriend Kim Kardashian for her hand in marriage.

Sources close to the pair are predicting that the 35-year-old rapper is ready to walk down the aisle with the 31-year-old reality TV star. Despite having only dated for a couple of months, Kimye, are said to be besotted with each other, having known each other for years.

Kim, whose previous marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries lasted a whopping 72 days, is still in the middle of divorce proceedings and looks set to become embroiled in a nasty legal battle with her ex-husband.

However, this hasn’t deterred Kanye, who reportedly thinks that “Kim is the one” and the Gold Digger rapper has even asked a jeweller to make Kim an engagement ring, using diamonds and rubies from his late grandmother’s jewellery collection.

Apparently, the reason behind using his grandmother’s jewellery is for Kanye to express just how much Kim means to him. The Keeping up With the Kardashians star doesn’t exactly strain herself to earn millions, so by giving her his grandmother’s most expensive jewels, it is Kanye’s way of showing her that he values her over money. Really?

However, Kanye’s friends are advising him against the idea, saying that if they ever break up, it would be hard for him to ask for the ring back. Also, they are furious that he would give his late grandmother’s jewellery to someone like Kim, who they feel shouldn’t be a part of Donda’s (his late grandmother) image.

If the engagement goes ahead, it is believed that Kimye will tie the knot in either Oklahoma, where his grandmother is buried, or Chicago, where Kanye says he received the inspiration to follow his rapping dreams.

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Music, Showbiz

BET Awards 2012: Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kanye dominate – Jamie Tuohy

Last night saw a host of Hollywood’s most famous faces descend on LA’s Shrine Auditorium for the 2012 BET Awards. Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Kanye West and Nicki Minaj were the night’s big winners, with Beyoncé winning Best Female R&B artist and her husband  Jay-Z and his best mate Kanye taking home the gong for Best Group with their powerhouse duo, The Throne. Nicki Minaj was presented with the award for Best Female Hip-Hop Artist and Chris Brown took home Best Male Hip-Hop Artist.

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While the main focus of the night was on the evening’s recipients, Kimye did their best to hog the limelight in matching white outfits. TV Queen Kim was spotted chatting to new best mate Beyoncé and sat next to Nicki Minaj for the night – chatting and posing for pictures.

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Bey looked sensational as she accepted her award
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Nicki was thrilled to win her award
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As well as winning one of the night’s top awards, Chris Brown performed, wearing what appeared to me painted on abs. The singer also hinted at retirement, saying his new album “Fortune” will be his last

Whitney Houston was remembered during the night’s proceedings, with her mother Cissy giving a performance of Bridge Over Troubled Water, leaving the Shrine Auditorium in tears. Mariah Carey also paid tribute to the late star, saying “I miss my friend … I miss hearing her voice and laughter”.

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Mariah Carey spoke fondly of her late friend Whitney Houston
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Cissy welled up as she sang a tribute to her late daughter

Amongst the ceremony’s emotional performance’s, Maze featuring Frankie Beverly took home the Lifetime Achievement Award and soul musician D’Angelo gave his first televised performance in over a decade.

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It was a successful night for The Throne duo

Despite the ceremony reading like a who’s who of Hollywood’s elite, it was the ‘Jay-‘Ye-Bey trinity that dominated the night’s proceedings, with Kanye and Jay-Z receiving the award for Video of the Year for Otis and Beyoncé scooping the gong for Video Director of the Year.

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