Music, Showbiz

An Idealistic Imagining of Kimye’s Wedding

cover p Amidst reports that Kim and Kanye are set to spend $75k per head on their forthcoming Parisian nuptials, even if this claim is untrue, there’s no denying that the marriage of two of pop culture’s biggest egoists will be a less-than-subtle affair. And I love Kimye all the more for their unyielding dedication to tasteless excess.

With that in mind, and with not much more than too much time on my hands now that exams are finished, Niamh and I began fantasising about what a Kimye wedding might entail and we got carried away, to say the least. We’ve been Keeping Up With The Kardashians since its glorious inception and thus, priding ourselves on our worryingly-extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of  what is ostensibly the world’s most famous family, we came up with a list of possibilities that is so extreme and excessive that in the world of Kimye, it just might happen.

Despite Kimye’s best attempts to fashion a more high-end aesthetic these days, the dream Kimye wedding would be an unabashed cesspit of tackorama and to be quite honest, I won’t really be happy if it’s anything less! Here is The Dream Kimye Wedding from the Gospel According to Jamie and Niamh:

The Dress:

 thelma

Lanvin? Balmain? McQueen? As if! Ideally, Kim would head straight to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’s Thelma Madine to create a one-off meringue of such gargantuan proportions, that Guinness World Records will make a petition to suggest it be recognised as a tenth planet. Clad in astronomical amounts of synthetic and highly flammable fibres, as Kim begins her walk up the unnecessarily long aisle, the venue descends into complete darkness and guests are advised to wear the specially provided sunglasses to avoid retina damage, as the bride enters. Illuminating the room with her freshly-sprayed skin that shines just on the right side of deep terracotta, Kim cuts a dazzling figure (literally) as her dress begins to gradually light up with neon lights that flash the message “Bound 2 U 4EVS”, which ends with a Photoshopped image of Kim and Kanye in the guise of William and Kate’s wedding picture that emanates from her Swarovski-encrusted bustier. Kanye weeps.

Kim walks up the aisle to Bound 2:

 bound 2

Well this just seems obvious, doesn’t it? This is Kim’s third wedding, so the virginal chimes of Here Comes The Bride were even a little too ironic for Kimye, so they settled on Kanye’s hit song dedicated to his then-fiancée. And with touching and moving lyrics such as “I want to f*ck you hard on the sink, after that get you something to drink, step back can’t get spunk on the mink”, the track seems wholly appropriate for the union between a woman who started her career on her back and a man who dedicates his life to rapping about it. Ah-ha, honey.

The resurrection of Kim’s kitten, Mercy Mercayyyyyyyyy as ring-bearer:

katty

Remember in Season 3 of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami when Kanye gifted Kimberley with the adorable Mercy? Of course you do! Kim was devastated when she had to give Mercy away to Khloe’s assistant because of her allergies and even more distraught when Mercy passed away after four months on the earth. However, Kanye had a word with the Gods – Beyoncé and Jay Z, and they agreed to release the kitten back onto the earth for Mommy’s big day. However, North is furious and in an extreme bout of sibling envy, tries, unsuccessfully, to smother Mercy under Kim’s seemingly never-ending train.

The wedding will be officiated by a specially programmed hologram of Anna Wintour:

anna and kanye

Following Kimye’s gracing of US Vogue, the least the pair could do is pay homage to its editor-in-chief and what greater way to honour Anna Wintour than by hiring will.i.am to program a special hologram of her to oversee the ceremony. Through the wonders of modern technology, Wintour will virtually unite Kim and Kanye in matrimony in a blessing that appropriately ends with “That’s all.”

Guests will be greeted with a complimentary shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk upon arrival at the reception:

In the same season of KKTM, viewers witnessed Kim use her sister’s breast-milk as a cure for her psoriasis and while Kourtney rudely refused to pump some milk to feed a thirsty Mercy, she has been much kinder for Kim’s big day. As guests arrive to the sprawling Parisian castle, waiting staff will offer a shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk, which she spent over six months extracting.

Kris’ special wedding speech:

dead right 

Momager and matriarch, Kris Jenner has had more than a guiding hand in her favourite daughter’s career so it seems appropriate that on her wedding day, Kris would trace the roots of Kim’s illustrious career. As the woman who famously said she was furious when she found out about Kim’s infamous sex tape, but as her manager, she realised she had a job to do, it seems fitting that Kris would begin her mother of the bride speech with a thank you to Ray J for catapulting her entire family to stardom. 

The Gift bag:

 kim k

A high point of Kimye’s wedding gift bag includes a voucher for a free arse lick from Kim’s shadow, Jonathan Cheban. In fairness, Jonathan is a PR powerhouse in his own right but he rose to prominence through his high-profile friendship with Kim Kardashian. Cheban can be seen in any given KUWTK episode schmoozing and sucking up to the Kardashian klan. Guests at Kimye’s nuptials can enjoy the same level of Chebanian sycophancy with this free arse lick, which is never-expiring as Jonathan is only all too happy to please. On the subject of arses, guests will also receive an autographed X-Ray of Kim’s much commented-on derrière to prove that it’s all real.

The Brawl:

khloe adopted

In a scene more befitting of an episode of Eastenders rather than the wedding of the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple (ugh, why, Anna?), the reception ends in carnage as Khloe Kardashian’s real father turns up.

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Showbiz

The Notions of Kim Kardashian

Source: http://images.socialnewsdaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/kim-kardashian-630.jpg

I am sitting in the college library with just over a month to go until exams and as I look out onto a sea of studious burgeoning academics, all I can think about is Kim Kardashian. I know, I KNOW! Fresh off the cover of American Vogue, there has never been a more fitting time to examine the disposition of the world’s most famous reality TV star, and if we are to believe Anna Wintour, one half of the ghastly-hashtagged #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple. You see, we Irish are fond of the word ‘notions’ and the concept behind it is a simple one – it is a jocular insult hurled at someone who has an idea above their station or is getting too big for their boots. And there are few people who have ideas above their stations bigger than Kim Kardashian. As a woman who started her career on her back, only to become a Vogue covergirl a decade later, Kim is a reminder that every dream is valid and achievable. In one sense, Kim’s ascension to the A-List (and she most definitely is, whether you care to admit it or not) is an inspirational tale of a girl who started from her the bottom and ‘worked’ her way up. She had an idea above her station and look where it got her! Let’s all celebrate the notions of Kim Kardashian. #Notions

She once thought she could sing and recorded the iconic single, Jam (Turn It Up):

If you ever needed a definition for #notions, here it is. I am not in the business of likening Kim Kardashian’s musical efforts to significant events in Irish history, but when W.B. Yeats wrote “A terrible beauty is born” in his poem, Easter 1916, it seems like a foreshadowing description of Kimberley’s pop foray. Deliciously monotone and repetitive, this really is a gift!

This is what she looked like when she dressed up as Diana Ross:

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HOLD ME BECAUSE I CANNOT COPE.

She stole Kourtney’s breaskmilk because it cured her psoriasis and then asked Kourtney to pump some more so she could feed her cat, Mercy.

I don’t actually know where to begin with this one, so I just won’t, because I just can’t.

She X-Rayed her ass:

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Tired of reports that her infamous derriere was surgically enhanced, Kim knew the only way to prove that her rear was au naturel was by wasting a doctor’s valuable time and having her mahoooooosive behind X-Rayed to prove it was all real. Khloe then posted this picture on her blog of Kim looking decidedly smug and I think it’s beyond hilarious.

On her heritage:

“I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal.”

She kind of thinks she is Elizabeth Taylor:

“I buy myself a gift every year, so this year I bought everything I wanted.” (Also, Harper’s Bazaar bizarrely allowed Kim to interview Elizabeth Taylor and it is the last known interview with the iconic actress. Kim asked her the most vacuous questions, naturally, but read it here.)

She thinks she can forge a friendship with Beyoncé:

Source: http://ynaija.com/teen/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Beyonce-Kim-K1.jpg

She is not subtle about her thirst for the D:

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She hashtagged #Enlightenment to show that she is #Cultured

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Kim is on holidays in Thailand with her family at the minute and in a series of Instagram pictures, Kim shows her millions of followers how she is either #blesssed, #enlightened or has #etiquette as she takes part in local traditions.

She tried to take a selfie with an elephant and this happened:

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Let’s not forget that she named her child after a direction!

Before baby North, or Nori was born, there were plenty of rumours that Kim was going to call her unborn daughter after a compass direction, but with such ridiculous claims even refuted by Kim herself, nobody really believed she would do such a thing. So when Kim gave birth and actually did name her child North, the Internet was sent into a frenzied meltdown. She is the ultimate fairy, with heaps of #notions.

Even though she has notions above her station, she admits she is still a regular, flawed human!

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On her support for Barack Obama’s politics:

“He just seemed very firm about the change, and that’s like, his motto.”

She died her hair blonde and thought it made her look like a different person:

“I dunno, they say I look like a different ethnicity. Nobody has been recognising me!”

That time she lost her $75,000 earring in the ocean but Kourtney was having none of Kim’s #notions

And finally, her most iconic #notion of all:

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BOW DOWN BITCHES, BOW DOWN.

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Music, Reviews, Showbiz

My favourite awful pop songs (that are really just guilty pleasures)

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By Jamie Tuohy

I have a confession to make, this post is billing itself as my favourite AWFUL pop songs, but in reality, these are probably my favourite songs full stop. However, for the purposes of self-preservation (which now seems rather pointless in the face of my revelation) and the feigning of any proper musical taste, I’ve decided to compile a list of the best 5 pop icons flops. From Kim Kardashian to Paris Hilton, sometimes songs are so dreadful that you have to look beyond the ear-ache-inducing clamour and just accept that they are simply genius and iconic.

Jam (Turn It Up) – Kim Kardashian

Not that I am in the business of likening Kim Kardashian’s musical efforts to significant events in Irish history, but when W.B. Yeats wrote of the Irish 1916 Rising that “a terrible beauty is born”, it seems a rather fitting description of Kim Kardashian’s hilarious attempt at singing. Sorry Willy. “I’m goin’ out tonight, it’s goin’ down, headin’ straight to the front of the line”, she mutters in the most deliciously monotone and uninterested voice you’ve ever heard. Watch the above video and try not to acknowledge how monstrously glorious this song really is. Thank you so much Kimberley, this really is a gift.

Stars are Blind – Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I remember the day the video for Stars are Blind premiered on MTV way back in 2006. I was 12 and on holidays in Bulgaria with my family. Of course, the only thing on my mind that day was how exactly I was going to see Paris’ debut. So, cunningly, as my family lounged by the pool, I suddenly came over all dizzy and clenched my stomach for dramatic effect. When my mother suggested I go to bed back in the apartment for a few hours, I reluctantly agreed and selflessly told everyone to stay by the pool. “I’ll be fine, I’ll just sleep it off.” Muahahahaha, you fools! As soon as I glided through the door and made some popcorn, I danced forebodingly around the apartment waiting for Paris to come on and wow me with her vocals. And wow me she did. Paris, you were my guilty pleasure in 2006 and in 2013, nothing has changed.

This Groove – Victoria Beckham

2003 marked a pivotal year for the Beckhams and indeed for me. As David signed his deal with Real Madrid, Victoria decided to head back into the studio and this was the beginning of my obsession with them. It was the kind of obsession that makes Directioners and Beliebers look sane. These were the days when Victoria’s D&G obsession was at its height and diamond-encrusted Jacob & Co. watches were synonymous with Posh ‘n’ Becks. When they released their Real Beckhams DVD, detailing David’s move to Spain and Victoria’s vocal exploits, it became a type of Bible for me. The Gospel according to the Beckhams was punctuated by the chimes of Victoria and This Groove is one of my favourites. Ah, it takes me back.

Let Your Head Go – Victoria Beckham *Amazing video alert, just sayin’*

Yes, I know, Victoria gets to appear twice, but I’m not going to lie; I’d fill this post up with her albums if I could. Let Your Head Go was released as a double-A side with This Groove and it’s probably one of Victoria’s best. I don’t mean to fill this paragraph with superlatives, but the video is mind-blowingly brilliant. It sees Victoria playing an exaggerated version of herself, where she tears up clothes and flowers, has nightmares where she sees her head on a crow, as she edges closer to a coveted OBE (remember David had just received one in 2003) and we get to see her being taken away by psychologists as she descends into an imagined madness. Hamlet say whaaah? If you watch one video from this post, make it Let Your Head Go. It will change your life. If you’re unwilling to watch it all (ARE YOU CRAZY??!), then skip to the end, where you can see Victoria sitting on a throne, polishing her crown. And that’s not a euphemism. How amazing is she?!

Insatiable – (KWEEN) Nadine Coyle

Okay, we all know how I feel about Nadine and I’m sure nobody thinks that I truly believe this song is awful or a guilty pleasure. I obviously adore this woman and think she’s flawlessly gifted, but I’m told this song is a dreadful flop (ugh, peasants), so it seems appropriate to include Insatiable as the final tune in this list. Nadine’s ‘exclusive retailing deal with Tesco’ failed to set the charts alight and Insatiable didn’t have the same industry impact as Cheryl’s debut song Fight for This Love did. But, bless, you have to love Nadine for trying. Apparently she recorded most of this song in her bathroom because ‘theeee acooosticks wur beytur’ and surprisingly you can’t even hear the sound of a toilet flushing in the background. Hair flicking, dodgy accents and mediocre marketing: it’s all perfection. Love you long time Nadine.

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Showbiz, Television

Which Kardashian are you?

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Jamie Tuohy

Kris

kris

You’re the ruthless moneymaker and you’ll do practically anything to get to the top, even if it means pimping out your nearest and dearest! Your natural business brain means you know a good opportunity when it comes knocking and more importantly, you know how to exploit it to your own advantage. You’re a charismatic, social and intuitive person but all that is closely followed by a strong lust for attention and money.

Kim

kim

You’re the spoiled, bread-winning, family favourite. Everyone loves you, but not nearly as much as you love yourself. Like Kris, you have a good business brain, but you, at least on the surface, seem more family-orientated and ultimately you follow your heart. You’re a hopeless romantic and act impulsively and this is probably your downfall.

Kourtney

kourt

You’re the smart one in the family. You’re the person who doesn’t take any bullshit and family always comes first. When it comes to your career, unlike Kim and Kris, you don’t act totally out of self interest and your business acumen and natural ability is more impressive than theirs, but often gets overshadowed. You’re a leader but your no-nonsense approach can seem cold at times.

Khloe

khloe

You’re probably the most genuine person in your family. You’re certainly the most talented and because you always say what’s on your mind, people respect you all the more for it. You’re not always the most confident person but you should be, because you’re a natural people person. You’re funny and caring in equal measure and your personality is one of your best traits.

Kendall and Kyle (obviously if you’re one, you’re also the other and the same story as Kris applies – Jenner etc.)

kk

On the surface, you’re seen as a bubblegum, pampered princess, but people need to realise that you mean business! You may be young and shy, but it’s endearing. Like all the other sisters, you have inherited a propensity to sift out a good business opportunity, but you’re more concerned with living your life one step at a time. You strike a good balance between work and pleasure!

Rob and Bruce

rob

Let’s face it, you don’t want to be Rob or Bruce!

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What I expect from Baby Kimye | Jamie Tuohy

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The announcement that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian are with child is a momentous occasion in the history of celebrity culture. Not since Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to an Apple has there been so much fuss about a celebrity offspring. Baby Kimye’s arrival will make Harper Beckham’s birth look like a stable delivery, as the Kardashian Klan will almost certainly treat this pregnancy with Messianic expectation. Therefore, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I decided to take a look at what life might have in store for Baby Kimye (which, in case you haven’t copped by now, is thoroughly and wholeheartedly in jest).

Kimberly Ⅱ

Kimberly Ⅱ

THE BABY SHOWER

A televised event, naturally. Baby Kimye will have the baby shower to end all baby showers. Kris will take charge of this, taking Kimye’s predilection for leather into account, incorporating whips, chains and all things bondage into proceedings, paying subtle homage to her daughter’s initiation into the world of celebrity. Sexual, but understated – there are kids around after all. Gifts will include some holistic birthing aids from Kourtney and Scott, Khloe and Lamar will offer themselves as godparents and Kendall and Kylie will make a ‘totally fab’ video to be shown to Baby Kimye when he/she is older. Jay  Z will make an appearance out of respect for his best mate Kanye, but Beyoncé will be washing her weave that day. However, Kelly Rowland will do her best Bey impression and serenade Kim’s tummy with Destiny’s Child classics. Paris Hilton will turn up with some personalised “That’s Hot” baby gifts, but will be refused entry. Poor mite.

THE BIRTH

A paradox – dramatic, yet monotonous. A 2 part E! Special will be dedicated to the event, detailing the moment Kim’s waters break in Baby Gap right through to the moment Kendall films the arrival of Baby Kimye. The hospital room which is filled with the Kardashians and the Wests will erupt into simultaneous shrieking and rapping and as Kim gets her make-up touched up, she will look into Baby Kimye’s eyes and with a hint of emotion, she will smile and declare “how fab!”

THE NAME

The cynic inside me wonders whether Kim got with Kanye simply to continue her family’s frenetic exercise in alliteration. Never has there been a family as dedicated to the letter K as the Kardashian Klan. As Kim is the main breadwinner, one can only hope that Baby Kimye, be it a boy or girl will have a name beginning with the Kardashian’s favourite letter, thus continuing the familial brand. Regardless of gender, I’m feeling something with a hint of white-trash. Something that will look good in lights – possible suggestions include, Kacey, Kassandra, Krystal, Kaden, Kalisha, Kalina, Kalysta, Koko, Kandi, Kassy, Kegan, Kole, Konrad, Kingston, Kipling, Kameron., Kanye 2.0 and KimberlyⅡ.

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

Baby Kimye will celebrate his or her first birthday on stage with daddy Kanye and mummy Kim, who will roll out a 10-tier birthday cake to rapturous applause from the arena. Wearing diamond-encrusted ear-muffs and a D&G suit, Baby Kimye will smile for the world’s media and Blue Ivy will strut onto stage to give her best mate a birthday hug. Beyoncé will observe from the wings, having previously instructed baby Blue to walk onto the stage, give the hug and then get off as soon as possible. Baby Blue will stay longer than anticipated, as Kim picks her up in her arms and holds her up to the crowd, because Kim is wearing fur, so she thinks it will be ‘like a super cute Lion King moment.’ Beyoncé will cringe backstage and a part of her may well possibly die.

BABY KIMYE’S FIRST REALITY TV SHOW

Just as Will and Kate’s son will be the most famous royal child, superseding all of the Queen’s other great-grandchildren, Baby Kimye will similarly overshadow young Mason and Penelope Scotland to become the most ubiquitous of Kris’ grandchildren. After making numerous appearances since birth in mummy’s reality TV show, E! executives will decide it’s time to give the then 8-year-old Kimye child his or her first reality TV show which will detail his or her ambitions to become the next Willow Smith, as they try to carve out a career as a rapper. Kanye will advise and there will be a number of special-guest appearances from other well-known celeb offspring. Harper Beckham will stroll in to advise Child Kimye on how to create a totally awesome clothing line for super funky kids. However, Harper will disapprove of Child Kimye’s excessive use of leopard print and sequins in the collection, storming out of the playhouse, as Child Kimye repeatedly refuses her protestations to adopt a more minimalist approach. The first single, with guest vocals from Blue Ivy will mark the beginning of Child Kimye’s path to rebellion, as he/she entitles the single Superstar, unaware of a video his/her mother made some years before he/she entered the world, with the same unfortunate title.

THE TEENAGE YEARS

While Mason and Penelope will have benefited from their boarding-school education in the Hamptons, Kim and Kanye will have home-schooled Teenage Kimye, teaching a variety of necessitous Kardashian/West modules, including “How to live a totally fab life” (Kim’s favourite) and “How to pull off double leather with gold chains”, taught by daddy Kanye. Nicki Minaj will guest lecture with the essential “How not to be a basic bitch” course and at the age of eighteen, Teenage Kimye will turn down a place at UCLA to study Twitter and decide to go it alone in the real world instead. Teenage Girl Kimye will have a brief, but much-documented liaison with any given member of One Direction, after following Kim’s advice to date an older guy. Teenage Boy Kimye will similarly hook up with Rebecca Black, on what will undoubtedly be a dark day for the family. To make it worse, the story will break on a Friday. Kanye will start to worry about his offspring’s street-cred.

kanye and kim

THE FIRST MARRIAGE

Having decided it’s time to settle down at the ripe old age of 22, Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱwill get married in a lavish affair on Brooklyn Beckham’s yacht in the Seychelles. The dress code will strictly read ‘real classy, yet sexy. Animal print essential.’ The guests will closely resemble an equatorial rainforest and Mummy and Daddy Kimye will sort it out with the then President Oprah to declare the wedding a national holiday and it will be beamed into billions of television screens across the world. The marriage will appropriately last 72 days. The cycle shall begin again until the now divorced Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱ meets his/her prince/princess and begins to produce Kimye Version 3.

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Kim Kardashian reveals her love for Cheryl Cole | Jamie Tuohy

Cheryl Cole certainly isn’t short of celebrity admirers, with Rihanna, Tom Daley and Olly Murs expressing their love for the Under the Sun singer, so it doesn’t come as much of a surprise to hear that a certain Hollywood reality TV star has professed their amour for Chezza.

Kim Kardashian has confessed that she is a massive fan of the Geordie songstress, and after spotting her in an LA gym, gushed about how beautiful the 29-year-old singer is.

Speaking in a recent interview, the media-powerhouse said of the Girls Aloud Star,

“I think she’s so beautiful. I saw her at the gym once with no make-up on and she was just as gorgeous, if not more, looking natural.”

Kim’s beau, rapper Kanye West has previously stated that he thinks Cheryl has what it takes to “take on the world.”

However, with Cheryl reportedly loved-up with new boyfriend Tre Holloway, I can’t see her making a visit to chez Kardashian anytime soon!

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In Defence of the Kardashians | Jamie Tuohy

A number of years ago, Kris Jenner had the foresight and ambition to pitch an idea for a new reality show to Ryan Seacrest. It would involve cameras following her family around on a daily basis, giving viewers an insight into the pandemonium that exists within their household. It was snapped up and was to be called Keeping up with the Kardashians. And the rest, as they say, is history…

The Kardashians – a name, a brand, an empire, and often forgotten, a family. The modern day Brady bunch, who; through frenetic exercises in alliteration, cunning opportunism and unapologetic capitalism, have become media powerhouses, who protect and expand their brand very karefully. Whether you view them as deplorable testaments to anti-intellectualism, or as canny marketers who really are a loving family, behind all the drama; Kris, Bruce, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Rob, Kendall and Kylie are undoubtedly one of the most famous families in the world. Love them or loathe them, admire them or despise them, the Kardashians are an inescapable presence in twenty-first century popular culture, dominating the media world with tales of bust-ups, break ups and general sensationalism. 

Whether or not you Keep up with the Kardashians is a personal choice, but I for one, have spotted a family who has taken every opportunity that has come their way, advertising, promoting and selling everything from clothing to incontinence pads, all the while, embodying commercialism for all its gilded virtues, and you know what? I say why not?! And thus begins my defence of the Kardashians.

Kim and Co. have had every insult under the sun hurled at them – being verbally chastised by a world in which everyone is a critic goes hand in hand with being a Kardashian. Few onlookers will say that this family are twenty-first century role models, but instead claim that they are vile exemplars of the American Dream gone horribly wrong. For the most part, they’ll be viewed as a family, who have cashed in on the back of their daughter’s sex-tape and exist as definitive personas of immorality and classless vulgarity, showing no shame when it comes to making a dime. You blot your copy book once, eh?

Yes, everyone knows Kim had a sex tape, and everyone knows the infamous reality TV show that she and her family star in is a perceptible capitalisation on that. But what’s a girl to do? Live her life in shame and regret, refusing the opportunities that come her way? The Kardashian family, undoubtedly under the guidance of matriarch Kris Jenner decided to let the cameras into their lives and for the most part, their fame has been achieved by parading their private lives on screen for millions of viewers to see and squirm at. But that’s the thing – the viewers really are in their millions, squirming or otherwise. 

It’s because, behind it all, there’s something endearing about this family – the hilarious ‘airy fairy-ness’ of them, the mother who will do anything and fight anyone for her children, or the constructed moral that is taught in each episode – ‘don’t get Botox, don’t smoke, don’t drink underage, don’t go to Vegas for a tattoo without your parents’ consent, give back to charity and appreciate your blessings etc.’. Does the fact that Kim and her family let the cameras film their daily lives for a few months a year make them ‘cheap’, ‘vile’ and the butt of even more absurd profanity? If they’re ‘famous for being famous’, it’s because we have created them and made them popular.

From a sociological perspective, any one person or individual cannot be studied in complete isolation, but rather, has to be viewed and considered in terms of their cultural background and the society that created the Kardashians, is the very one that lays judgement on them. Without sounding Freudian or facetious, one could argue that the sole reason anyone speaks negatively of someone else is because they recognise in that person the qualities they so despise in their deeper self. And if I can borrow from Sigmund Freud once more, it’s likely that these characteristics are repressed within their own consciousness, so the disgust that is felt for Kim’s apparent disrespect for matrimony, could very well be a manifestation of one’s own ambivalence towards marriage. Kim says she is an idealist and believed in the fairy-tale – the general consensus is that her 72-day marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries was one of convenience, constructed  to add cash and further acknowledgement to the alliterative family empire.

I am in no way saying that every single person who loathes what this family stand for are simply subconsciously criticizing themselves, but equally, I’m not saying that a family whose recognition is the subject of much debate should be so grossly defiled and admonished. But if they stand for all that is wrong with the twenty-first century (which I don’t think they do), then we can only blame ourselves for letting Keeping up with the Kardashians become the most-watched reality TV show in the world. Whether we watch or not, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe are still going to continue in the fashion business and momager Kris will still manage her family’s affairs. Nobody is expecting them to change the world or lead us out of the global economic crisis – their show exists as entertainment and they are recognised figures within that epoch. If you don’t like it, don’t watch, don’t comment on the copious amounts of articles written about them and don’t waste your time spewing vitriol onto online forums, championing the ‘fall’ of the family or urging that their show be axed. If it’s not being talked about or watched, it will be axed, don’t worry – you can break the circle by biting your tongue. 

From reading online comments about the family’s main breadwinner, Kim, the main issue with her seems to be her capitulation to the patriarchy. That is to say that she has made her living through gaining the lustful affections of men and setting the Feminist Movement back decades with her conceding of the sexual objectification of women. Don’t get me wrong, I very much doubt that Kim Kardashian, or any of her sisters for that matter, would be half as rich or famous as they are now, if they didn’t trade, on some part, on their looks. But equally, I don’t think that they would have been as successful as they are without some canny calculation behind the beauty.

I think the Kardashian girls are pseudo feminists – yes, they have, in many ways, sacrificed themselves on the altar of the patriarchy and used their personal lives as monetary vehicles, but the patriarchy in which they operate, is ultimately one in which they exert dominative control. If everyone steps down from the moral high ground and emerges from the ivory tower, the majority of us would admit that if we could make $10,000 for sending a tweet, we’d do it. But Kim is ridiculed and abhorred internationally for doing so.

Some critics have even said that they are a twenty-first century role model of a stable family unit. I agree. The problem is that people fear that their children are looking up to this family and seeing the glitz and glamour of pampered celebrity and thinking that their kind of fame is accessible and more worryingly, aspirational. Make a sex tape, become involved in a sensational scandal and become famous right? If the Kardashians were nothing more than ‘media whores’, their time in the spotlight would have been incredibly shorter. Think of Paris Hilton, whose path to fame was identical to Kim Kardashian’s – but her 15 minutes have well and truly passed and the pampered heiress has virtually faded into oblivion. This is a family who has the business savvy to back up their seemingly ‘vacuous celebrity.’

Barabara Walters asked Kim, Kourtney and Khloe how they’ve come so far with no discernible talents to qualify their fame.  But the reality is that these sisters are famous because they are celebrity entrepreneurs, they were in the fashion business long before their television show hit our screens. Keeping up with the Kardashians is an entertainment show, nothing more, nothing less.  And the reality show is only the half of it. Their mother Kris Jenner has said that thanks to the show, these girls have been able to create an expansive and multi-million dollar fashion empire. Camilla Long, the Sunday Times columnist recently caused controversy when she said that Kim Kardashian was a better role model for young girls than Kate Middleton. She argued that Kim’s hard-working business etiquette was a better exemplar for young girls than Kate’s prim and proper educated background, saying,

“Sure’, the girls of St Mary’s, Calne, can be taught to impersonate the Duchess of Cambridge for fees of £30,000 a year, but is not hard-working Kim a better role model?”

And you know what? I’m not far behind Long’s appraisal. If these sisters were simply ‘famous for being famous’ or talentless bimbos, then any three sisters from Los Angeles could achieve what they have achieved, any celebrity who has made a sex tape could become the highest earning reality TV star of all time. But this has only happened to one family – The Kardashians. It has been stated that this family represent all that is wrong with Western society – from crass ostentation to loose morality. However, I see a family who are genius ambassadors for twenty-first century marketing. In all honesty, if I wanted a lesson in social media marketing, it’s to Kim Kardashian I would go to and not a Harvard business school. Anybody can have their 15 minutes, but few could sustain them in such a fashion as this family has.

Reality television in general is not something that I’m a huge fan of – Big Brother, while initially, was an interesting sociological experiment; has turned into a classless freak show for fame hungry wannabes. I’ve never watched Jersey Shore, but I think the old adage of not judging a book by its cover can be waivered in this case. The cover looks tatty and cheap. I’d be shocked if its contents were dissimilar. I can see why the Kardashians are ridiculed for being the agent provocateurs to the ‘dumbing down of civilisation’ and the dawning of a new type of worthless celebrity, but I think this is a misinformed judgement.

Unlike other reality TV shows, theirs is one in which lessons are taught and morals are preached. They may just be for the cameras, but at least the Kardashians osmotic influence is being put to good use and possibly being absorbed by impressionable youths. Make no bones about it, there are certainly more wholesome and suitable role models existing in popular culture today than the Kardashian brood, and say what you want about them, I for one think that they are an incredibly clever family, who despite what everyone believes, rely on brains as well as beauty. Kim, Kourtney and Khloe have an amassed Twitter following of over 30,000,000 users and they know exactly how to use them to further establish their brand. If they didn’t manipulate this fact, they’d be idiots. I would do the exact same thing! But I’m not trying to convince anyone to support the Kardashian brand or change their opinion of them – this family are doing fine as they are.

It boils down to this: if the Kardashians are not your kup of tea, then don’t switch on their kettle. They are a fascinating study in the sociology of fame and you can accuse them of mistaking their family for a brand, but I’d shake their hands for having the drive, determination and ruthlessness to dominate modern-day popular culture. Long live the Kardashians!

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